New month, new resolve

I really have to get better at this. I've been rather lazy in terms of keeping up with the blogging over the last month. This is why I was never any good at keeping a diary as a child.

A lot has happened over the last month. I'm pretty happy with my assigments, far from brilliant, but all I have to do is reference them, and I'm done. No mean feat in itself, but I'll have it done by tomorrow night at the latest.

My dream job just came up also. I mentioned it to Kieran and got NOTHING the first time, no questions, nothing. The conversation just continued as though I'd said nothing. Then I mentioned that I was thinking of going to Brisbane for the day to just talk to them about it, not actually apply, but test the waters so I had more details. At least that time I got an acknowledgement of the statement. Nothing further though. Maybe I'll try again tonight.


The job is an internal medicine residency. Its exactly the kind of thing I love, and it seems to be in the direction everyone expects me to go. The only problem is the timing - as we're trying for IVF etc etc. But most of my IVF buddies have all said to go for it, the rest can be worked out later. It would be a great opportunity, and a great step forward for my career etc etc. And then there is the complete lack of any guarantee with IVF anyway.

Heck, I might not even GET the job!

On the IVF front, we had a consult with a Dr at IVF Australia 10 days ago. He was encouraged by all of my blood results so far, but thinks I've been over-supressed for each of my cycles so far, which is why I've needed heroic doses of FSH. He would also monitor me much more closely. Kieran and I were both impressed - the guy knows his stuff.


So we need to organise the sperm we have up here to be sent to Sydney, and have to make sure the required testing has been done on our donor also. Then we can probably go ahead with a cycle late this year or early next year.



I also saw a Chinese medicine practitioner, and she's put me on some herbs to try and get things right with my cycles. They're not super-revolting (thank heavens), and are only twice daily.

Something has to give, right?

We had great fun taking photos around Sydney harbour while we were there, didn't have much time, so it will be nice to get in some touristy stuff like ferry trips to Manly and the like when we go back! And maybe catch up with friends near Newcastle, and family in Sydney.


Sir Salvadore had fun too!

And the score is....

Dogs = 1, Mum = 0.

The papyrus grass is gone. Took me 3 days to even find the remnants, and that was scouring the yard daily. I'm currently trying to resurrect the dregs of it, not because I think I'll actually be sucessful, but because I'm stubborn. Mind you, I managed to ressurect the fig tree Lita dug up and destroyed twice. The graft I tried didn't strike but thank heavens there were still buds above the old graft union. Its now in a POT rather than the ground.

Fish are all still doing well. Babies look great, mummy fish do too. Gold Molly isn't much bigger though, don't really know the gestation of mollies......maybe I should google that one.

This weekend was spent in a miasma of procrastination on my assignments! I have a great excuse though - I was learning how to oil paint! I'm pretty happy with my results - still not finished, but need to give it a week to dry before I can go back and finish it with another layer. I loooove oil painting! I've wanted to learn for ages, and I have this set of oil paints my parents gave me for Christmas one year.....they're probably edging close to 20 years old now....EEK!
Still good though, at least oils don't go off!

And last week, Kieran found classical music Muppet style on you tube. Habernera and Ode to Joy by the muppets. I couldn't stop giggling for hours. Tragic I know.

So then......in my major procrastination mode, I went looking for Pachelbels canon....and found a variety of versions, some terrible, but then some completely amazing versions as well. Again, tragic, but I have no problems owning it!

Water garden progress

So these are my water gardens. Still a little cloudy while I'm waiting for the balance to come right, but I love them anyway. They don't look so nice right now, since I have shade cloth over both of them. The nice little plants right in the water.....well the dogs like to eat them. I have no more leaves on my water lily :( because they decided to munch away. They both seem fine, so I think we can assume water lilies are not a toxic plant.
I put in 2 pregnant mollies - one yellow, one black with the plants too. Had a great afternoon. The lady at the aquarium store said the females will sometimes just drop the babies and might not survive with the shock, but that the babies then do really well.
Anyway, I thought the black female was cactus, since she dropped the babies while she was still in the plastic bag acclimatising. Not a good sign. I was convinced she hadn't made it, hadn't seen her in 3 days, and then couldn't see the yellow molly. I felt so bad for them both. Luckily the little babies are doing so well.
But last night, I went out with the torch to check on them, and lo and behold, the yellow female is looking good! And who would be sitting on the bottom next to her, only to dart away as soon as I bumped the barrel - the black female.
I felt so much better, it just made my night.
Those are tough little fish. And now I have something like 8 little black baby mollies too! I'm thinking about seeing how a couple of them go in the other barrel. It doesn't have a mud bottom like the other, the water is deeper and it spends most of the time in the shade at this time of year, so I'm not sure how they'd go.

I'll keep posting progress pics as things fill out and look prettier.

I should probably post the "setback" pics too. Such as this morning when I came home to a papyrus plant lying in the middle of the pathway. I've just replanted it in the mud at
the bottom of the barrel, hoping if it doesn't poke out so much, it won't look as interesting.

The lotus flower to the left is how I'm hoping my lotus plant will end up looking. The seeds are from the local lotus pond, and all the flowers are this delicious pink. I was down at the ponds a week ago and all the leaves are dry and brown, and there are all of these seed pods.
Its kind of ugly when you first look at it, but you take a step back, and its actually quite beautiful. These dead leaves that rustle and crackle in the wind, and the form of the leaves and the seed pods is really interesting. There are still a few green leaves here and there, and the rare flower, but overall its this dormant, restful stage there. Come late spring it will be completely different. Being in the tropics, its one of the only plants around here that gives you that real winter-y, dormant feeling.

Kieran and I head to Sydney in a little under 3 weeks for another Dr's appointment, and I'm seeing a TCM practitioner to look at herbal medicine for the IVF issues too. Can't hurt, and it seems to have helped when I've done it on break cycles.

Then some time off in early September. Trying to decide if I should head down to Brisbane and spend some time at a specialist clinic or two for something different. Or maybe I'll just veg out at home.

So I'm a slacker...shoot me

I know its been a while since I posted, but its been a big fortnight. I did.....ummmm.......well....nothing, then more nothing, and a bit more nothing.

I did more painting, its coming along. I won't say its good, but its coming along.

I sealed my pots, and tomorrow - I can fill them with water! YAY! I also have a waterlily, so one pot will be waterlily, one will be lotus. Thursday I'm going to buy some FISH! and water plants, and marginal plants.

I made an appointment to see Dr P in Sydney, and the chinese herbalist too. So that is late August.

And I haven't quit my job. Yet. Still tetering on that knife edge if things don't go according to plan, I'm ready to throw in the towel. Had a couple of good responses to emails this week however, so I'm a little bouyed by that.
And I made a DVD slide show of one of our patients. He's been staying with us while his Mum and Dad are overseas - we're pretty sure he has cancer, just don't know where, so we're just managing him. He's doing brilliantly at present, and his owners adore him, so I'm hoping we can get him through until Christmas. Ambitious, but heck, you might as well aim for the stars.

Its pretty darn cold here right now - feels more like brisbane than townsville. I don't exactly have a cold-proof house either, so my feet are freezing. Doesn't help that I can't find my sheepskin slippers. I'm thinking a hot shower to help my aching muscles, a cup of tea and then bed. Bugger the stupid acupuncture assignments, they can just wait.

Around the house this week

I've been doing some painting again this week. Not walls and ceilings, but pictures. One landscape, and another that my counsellor suggested – painting my grief and frustration and longing. Its more about longing now that I’ve started it. It’s a little abstract, and rather clichéd, but I think its actually good for me. Maybe its just being able to channel my energy into those emotions, and put down my longing on canvas; it’s a forum to express it in a way that is hard verbally. How do you keep saying “I want this so badly” with each breath of each day? Once the words are out there and your loved ones acknowledge them, how do you keep expressing how much it hurts? Everyone still knows, but I still have to live it, and feel it.
I guess it really is a form of grief.

My lotus pots are slowly making their way to being useful…..I primed them with the sealer today, didn’t quite dry in time to get a coat of the undiluted sealant on though. That will be tomorrow. I’m hoping I can get both coats done, then I can get some water in them in 10 days! Little lotus is doing well still, but I can’t wait to get a few fish to gobble up the mosquito larvae having a party in the lotus bucket.

And I’ll make some cushions soon too. Have this lovely fabric, will brighten up the lounge a little , without being overly dramatic, so I just have to get some zippers and decide how big I want the cushions. I want nice big, squishy ones, but I’m having trouble finding inserts that are plump enough.

I’ve had a big week really – the dental seminar we organized this week went off with minimal hitches (last minute change of date) but everyone enjoyed it thoroughly. Phew.
Also told my work I was considering resigning. I’m trying to decide if I want to stay in general practice or not, and we’ve had a few issue at work that I’m just getting sick and tired of. We always have staffing issues, but I feel very unsupported by the staff in general, maybe I look too capable, maybe they’re still scared of me, maybe they just don’t give a damn. But I’m tired of trying to help them and getting nothing in return.
I did get a pay rise though.
I don’t want to make any decisions when my head is so messed up and I’m so emotional right now, but I’ve had days when I just felt like walking out. Maybe spending a week in a specialist practice or two is a good idea, might help me determine what I want to do with my career, since the baby-making is not going well.

We're trying to organise a trip to Sydney to consult with Dr P, have the appointment booked for the 21st of August. I also want to see a chinese herbalist – her clinic is supposed to be brilliant in the treatment of infertility disorders. Basically I think my Kidney Yin and Kidney Yang are very messed up. Probably a Spleen Qi deficiency with my digestive history and the whole overwork issue will probably come up too.
If we can get in to see our Brisbane IVF Dr in the same trip, that would be awesome, otherwise we’ll just organise a day trip to Brisvegas.

So, plenty to keep me busy, I have the whole weekend off this week, so might go out and about and enjoy "Saturday stuff". Its been so long since I've had more than the odd saturday off. What DO people do on saturdays?

Its cold.

Do you know how I know? The cat won't leave me alone, having made the decision that all personal space boundaries are no longer valid in the quest for the warmest place. Currently my lap. Typing with a cat on my lap is now commonplace. And I do love the feeling of a cat purring because of me. Might just be because I'm warm, but at least I can do something right for him!

Yesterday was a crap day at work. Not a huge shock, but more crap than usual. The look on my face when I walked in kept most questions at bay. Frustrating that I have to look like a homicidal maniac to get some personal space at work though. Does not help one's frame of mind.

Pulled into the driveway last night after spending half of the drive home crying and wondering how I could get through the weekend on call, and kicked myself for not stopping on the way home to get a bottle of wine. That would have improved my night, I was sure.
However - I walked in, and Kieran had done the dishes, cleaned the floors and done a general tidy up. Wow. And to top it all off, there were flowers and a bottle of wine on the table.
I asked him who had called and told him about my crap day......but it was totally spontaneous. He does get it. Man, I love my husband so much.

So we had a heart to heart last night, talked about my work, and how much it was bothering me, but then, its not the real issue, its just that I want to move on to the next stage of my life and complete our family. His words, not mine. And its true.
The hardest part, is that I have no real control over that. It will either happen or it won't. I know that, and have no choice but to accept it, but it still hurts so much.

And knowing how happy I felt for those few days we thought the FET had actually worked, it makes it hard to be happy now. I know how happy we'll be if we can get pregnant and raise a child, so how do I cope with the uncertainty of that prospect? This isn't the life I want, the one where I'm pregnant and a mother is.

So it's stick with the current job for now, and hope we get lucky I guess. And find a way to get through the days at work.

The family

I thought it was about time to post some pictures. Besides, its more fun than just whining about my crappy week at work.
The picture is of Kieran and Lita. I was trying to upload a whole heap, but that doesn't seem to be working too well.

I'm working on another lotus pic, and a sunset pic too. Very slowly.
Looks like Sydney might be a more difficult option for the IVF, since it seems our private health insurer doesn't have an agreement with their day surgery. Will need to investigate further, see if we can arrange something with them. Not happy about that one Jan. Not happy.
On a brighter note, my Dad passed his first semester at uni with a pass and two distinctions!!! How cool is that!