Home at last

Well we arrived home from Sydney 6 days ago, I've been putting off the next post because it just seemed too daunting.

As you see, Sir Salvador Sturgeonduck had a great time!

My E2 levels rose VERY nicely - 173, 1547, 4000, 11000! At our last scan, they thought we'd still need to stim a few days, but once they got the oestradiol numbers back - Hell no, you're going to retrieval on monday and we're dropping your dose of meds right down. By the way, we're worried about OHSS, so drink 3 litres of water each day too. Basically my FSH dose got progressively lower for the final 5 days of stims, and considering it was only 10 days of stimming in total - that's pretty darned good for me!

We also had an appointment with the specialist to discuss K's pathology resuts, and he thought it was worth doing a testicular biopsy to try and find us some sperm. Wow. Obviously no guarantees on embryo quality, but considering this was potentially one of our last cycles, we figured we'd pull out all the stops. The donor sperm was there as backup in case they couldn't get sperm on the day.

We retrieved 27 eggs.

Of those, 19 were mature and suitable for ICSI, and they found 19 sperm suitable to fertilise!

10 fertilised normally, and on day 5, we had two perfect AA blasts, and one AB (the inner cell mass that becomes the baby was graded A, the trophoderm that becomes the placenta was graded B). We transferred one AA, and froze the other two.

Kieran was feeling a little better by day5 - still pretty sore, but rather proud of himself and his embies! I found ER really easy, despite having produced a veritable truckload of eggs, recovered well, no signs of OHSS.

Beta is now only 2 days away, and its 14dpo. So I'm debating testing at home early - I have symptoms just like last time, but that ended as a chemical, so I'm scared to see two lines and have that dashed in 48h. At the same time, I'll be at work all day Wednesday, so its going to be torture! If I get lines, I can justify doing the test tomorrow!

All in all, Sydney was a fruitful experience - we would never have gotten results like this with our old clinic, and never with Kieran's sperm. It was a big decision to go ahead with that rather than the donor. There were all the questions on whether a baby might have the same kind of problems as Kieran has had, and even though medicine has advanced considerably, its still a lot to go through, when it might not be necessary. But we felt we needed to tick all the boxes - the ability to give a child the certainty of where they came from was something we weighed against the possible health risks. It made for an interesting few days.

And we managed some sight seeing in Sydney. Sir Salvador had great fun visiting the Chinese Gardens at Darling Harbour, Centrepoint, the french patisserie around the corner from the hotel we stayed at, Hyde park, St Mary's. He's clocking up some frequent flyer points!

The sun shines down....

Indeed, someone is smiling on us from above today.

Kieran got the pathology results from his TESE back today - he does not, I repeat, not, have Sertoli-cell only syndrome. There are good numbers of primary spermatocytes (baby baby sperm), progressing through to rare mature spermatids (almost grown up sperm). My, this is unexpected.

In my hasty research this evening, it looks like it could be hypospermatogenesis - so there are mature forms there, but they're rare as hen's teeth. Or, spermatogenic arrest, but that could still be managable, maybe just maybe.

So, with our donor sperm safely in Sydney, it may end up relegated to "understudy". My word, the thought of actually being able to have my husband's baby is just weird now. Perfectly, beautifully, gloriously weird. I'm excited, but still a little scared, in case IVF specialist says that our chances are still slim. Right now though, I've never been so happy another doctor was wrong.

The lotus I planted way back when seems to have introduced some lovely fertile vibes to our home. The fish are flourishing, and from 2 females, we've gone to dozens of small fry, since both were pregnant. Now I have to work out how to stop them from breeding. I'm hoping those baby vibes will rub off onto me and Kieran.

Oh, and Kieran is adjusting to his new life as a non-smoker now that "the boys" are probably going to be put to work. And the catheter came out today with no problems, but he's a little sore and sorry.

Its so nice to have something good to report.

Letter to Santa

I wrote this for one of the forums I'm on, and asked everyone else to sign their name


Dear Santa,

We're getting in early this year, to give you a little time to prepare. We know special requests sometimes take a bit longer to organise, so we thought we'd give you a little extra notice. We also understand if you can't quite manage it in time for this year, so if we have to wait a little while, we'll be sad this year, but we'll understand.

For longer than we care to remember, we've wanted to be mothers. To nurture a life, care for it and watch another person develop and grow. We have so much love to give, that even though most of us have found wonderful partners, we want to make our families complete with children.

We find Christmas hard. For those who are religious, its all about the birth of a baby, and for those who aren't, its still a time about children and family, of love and giving. We long to share the joy and spirit of Christmas with children of our own, to tell them all about Santa, leave carrots for reindeer (or maybe those 6 white boomers) and a door unlocked, since we don't have a chimney for you to come down. To see little faces eager and excited.
We want to share the magic of this time of year with a new generation.

We ask that those who are pregnant are granted a safe delivery. For those who are struggling with premmies, may they come home safely. We know that it will be tough journey for them, and it might be a little while before they will be safe at home, but a little stardust goes a long way.

Some of us have lost much, and need to be at peace with that loss. So for those of us who have grief in our hearts, if you could bring us peace, that would be a gift in itself.

And for those who are adding to their families in extra special ways by adopting or fostering, let the children who were born in their hearts long ago find their way to their new homes quickly.

For those of us still struggling with trying to fall pregnant, we ask you for that long awaited BFP for Christmas, and for a safe, healthy pregnancy and delivery of our precious Christmas gifts. We know they won't be in our arms this Christmas, but they will be in our hearts, just like they have been for so many Christmases before.

Thankyou Santa

Love,
Tricia

Justly berated for leaving you hanging ;) .....I finally have good news to report. Our spermies are go - I repeat, spermies are go. Destination Sydney, ETA tuesday/wed next week. Yippededoodah!

I haven't had the heart to post until we got all that sorted. Its been a rough couple of weeks, chasing our tails and our clinics, calling the US sperm bank etc etc. If Old Clinic had just sent the info they had on file when we, and New Clinic requested it, NONE of this needed to happen. Stupidheads.

The DS was purchased through old clinic (OC), was from an o/s donor, so not depleting their stocks. Oh, did I mention they lost a vial in transit from one clinic to another? It was replaced with one they had in stock, but no-one took responsibilty - hence we travelled 1400km to our embryos to do the FET.
So we did the release paperwork at the clinic where the sperm is being held.
We signed the consent forms for the new clinic.
We were then asked to get copies of donor consent forms, blood tests etc to NC, from OC.
2 messages later, left fax # for NC, but donor co-ordinator never got back to us for me to be able to detail what NC required.

Called NC.
No, they haven't received required paperwork yet.

This is where the "he said-she said starts". OC claim they weren't told exactly what was necessary.
NC claims their scientist emailed requirements to OC.
OC called back and advised the scientists from OC and NC were sorting things out, the hold up was with NC.

THEN, the head scientist calls about 20 minutes later, to tell me that NC is the problem, they were given all the info that OC had (no, they only told NC what they didn't have), that NC were currently reviewing it (load of BS) and that NC had to make further enquiries. I explained the situation as I understood it, that NC needed actual copies of lab tests, letters and consent forms, not just profile information and assumed clearance. At this point, head scientist launches into how its taken them hours to get the information they have sent so far, that I shouldn't be involved at all, they normally ONLY deal with other clinics about this stuff, and how there is nothing in it for them. I think the last comment probably sums up their attitude the best. I explained that I appreciated that it has taken time, but we were asked by NC to get this information, and that I had the specifics and could provide them, and that no-one at NC had previously said they would make sure the correct information was sent, or that NC would handle everything. That was in fact the reason I had called last week, and to find out if they did have access to it (because we were told they'd have to look for it). Reason being, if they didn't I would have to contact the sperm bank directly.

Subject was changed by head scientist, and he didn't ONCE say, yes please, here's my email/fax, send that through so we have the details. He also told me that speaking to the nurse earlier today was a total waste of time as she had nothing to do with it. I told him it wasn't, and she had actually tried to get the donor co-ordinator for me, but was unable, but said she would track her down in person to call me back since I hadn't been called back last week. And since the donor-coord had called me back, I actually considered it quite helpful.

It was like pulling teeth every time I called him on something and wanted details, and I was NOT nasty at all. I can be, but I was very polite. And every time I asked for more details or tried explaining why we had called etc etc, he just shut down and gave blunt "thats not how we do things" answers. The answers we were getting the whole way were "thats up to them to organise". Blunt and dissinterested. But "they can't call us with every new development". I get that "there is nothing in it for them". And those are direct quotes by the way, no paraphrasing involved.
I was basically told they wanted nothing more to do with us and would no longer return our phone calls.

I get that they imported the sperm originally. I get that they might be a little put out that we've decided to switch clinics. But we've done 5 cycles with them, have had to endure screw ups, and this was not a decision we undertook lightly, we just felt the Dr at NC was better equipped to manage my cycle, and had better success rates. So now we're punished for it. I mean, the entire conversation with the head scientist could have been much more positive if he wasn't stupidly arrogant and blunt about it all and telling me to keep out.

NC disputes much of what OC claimed. Oh. joy.

I advised I would be able to get no further with OC, and that OC advised me they would only deal with NC. Was asked to try to get required documents directly from sperm bank, who I immediately emailed.

So. Still no joy and nothing recieved by NC a week later, no response by email from sperm bank. I called the satellite clinic locally, that still holds the sperm and asked who I could go to since Brisbane had shut me down and basically said they wouldn't return my phone calls. The didn't want to get involved, but about 15 minutes after the conversation called me back (I think it might have had something to do with me asking who could actually be my advocate...). They'd spoken to the head scientist, and could I fax through the requirements. Now, that indicates a number of things to me:
1. Scientist didn't listen when I told him I had the requirements in front of me the week before and was happy to provide them to the clinic. I guess thats why he's in the lab and not dealing with patients.
2. NO-ONE had ever sent any of the paperwork to NC that they had on file
3. He isn't able to rely on any of his staff to do either of the above anyway.
4. He doesn't bother to get the story straight from all of HIS people before berating me for chasing them.

I mean, if they had just sent on what they had, when initially asked, I wouldn't have continued bugging them!

So they emailed me the blood tests and donor profile, and said they had the informed consent on file (didn't forward to NC as requested). I then requested that this be specifically forwarded to NC, and Oh my God, the fact that I had to dog them every step of the way drives me insane.

There were still a couple of details on the list that OC couldn't provide information for, however. After contacting the US sperm bank to try and get additional details, I was told they'd have to check with the clinic they supply in NSW, since they have an exclusive agreement to supply sperm to only that clinic in that state. AAAAAARRGGH

I understand why, but it meant they weren't able to release further information to OUR clinic in NSW! Kieran called the other clinic, and they were no more helpful - no, they wouldn't make an exception basically. So it looked like we wouldn't be able to use our donor at the new clinic, would have to go on their waiting list and hope something came up in the next 6-12 months.

I felt sick at the thought. Waiting 12 months between cycles until another "shot" at a donor came up???

So we contacted our clinic to let them know, and see if there was a chance the paperwork had been received, and might, just might, be adequate. They're happy to organise the shipping of the spermies. The paperwork they need is in order, we don't need to organise anything else, and we're on for a november cycle!!!The ups and downs have been awful, because I already felt like we'd worked so hard to get to this point, so to feel like we couldn't use our donor was a huge blow. I know there are bigger things to worry about, but geez it was a rough day yesterday!

Top that off with euthanasing a pregnant cat and speying a pregnant dog and I only ended up in tears twice. Not bad, considering.

Oh yeah, work still really sucks.

And its only a week until Kieran has his second urethroplasty. Fingers crossed this one works without any problems. And we're getting testicular histopath done to see if there is maybe a lone sperm somewhere. Since there was only cytology done in 2005.

Dogs are good, trying to clean and purge the house - belated spring cleaning. I could go NUTS, but Kieran won't let me :(
I want the spare room cleaned out and all the painting stuff moved into the office/guest room before the IVF. Making space for a successful IVF. My mother is convinced this one will work for some reason. She actually asked me about who I'd have deliver the not-yet-conceived munchkin. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my roster and who can work saturdays for me so I can get to sydney for the treatment....but I did answer her question. *sigh* Is it wishful thinking, blind hope, positive thinking? Or just setting oneself up for a fall?

This time, I'm not even trying. If I want a glass of wine before transfer, I'll have it thankyou.....right up to the rim please. And if I'm having a bad day, I'll just wallow for a few hours and have a bad day. Stuff the positive thinking, pretty flowery, girly pleasantness. I'll do what I need to stay sane.

But I will be taking my snowdrop everywhere. Do you think I could sneak it into theatre for egg retrieval?

To do list...

1. Send consent forms to New Clinic - tick.
2. Organise transfer paperwork from old clinic - going in to sign this tomorrow.
3. Organise NC to get the sperm down to them - reliant on #2
4. Get old clinic to fax donor consent form and relevant testing paperwork to NC
5. Get counsellor here to fax her records to NC

Probably about 4 million other details to organise as well.

The ball is rolling. I just hope my ovaries wait a few days to ovulate, to give us just a little more time.

So its busy busy busy for now. Thankfully Kieran is great at most of this stuff, and makes a lot of the phone calls too.

New month, new resolve

I really have to get better at this. I've been rather lazy in terms of keeping up with the blogging over the last month. This is why I was never any good at keeping a diary as a child.

A lot has happened over the last month. I'm pretty happy with my assigments, far from brilliant, but all I have to do is reference them, and I'm done. No mean feat in itself, but I'll have it done by tomorrow night at the latest.

My dream job just came up also. I mentioned it to Kieran and got NOTHING the first time, no questions, nothing. The conversation just continued as though I'd said nothing. Then I mentioned that I was thinking of going to Brisbane for the day to just talk to them about it, not actually apply, but test the waters so I had more details. At least that time I got an acknowledgement of the statement. Nothing further though. Maybe I'll try again tonight.


The job is an internal medicine residency. Its exactly the kind of thing I love, and it seems to be in the direction everyone expects me to go. The only problem is the timing - as we're trying for IVF etc etc. But most of my IVF buddies have all said to go for it, the rest can be worked out later. It would be a great opportunity, and a great step forward for my career etc etc. And then there is the complete lack of any guarantee with IVF anyway.

Heck, I might not even GET the job!

On the IVF front, we had a consult with a Dr at IVF Australia 10 days ago. He was encouraged by all of my blood results so far, but thinks I've been over-supressed for each of my cycles so far, which is why I've needed heroic doses of FSH. He would also monitor me much more closely. Kieran and I were both impressed - the guy knows his stuff.


So we need to organise the sperm we have up here to be sent to Sydney, and have to make sure the required testing has been done on our donor also. Then we can probably go ahead with a cycle late this year or early next year.



I also saw a Chinese medicine practitioner, and she's put me on some herbs to try and get things right with my cycles. They're not super-revolting (thank heavens), and are only twice daily.

Something has to give, right?

We had great fun taking photos around Sydney harbour while we were there, didn't have much time, so it will be nice to get in some touristy stuff like ferry trips to Manly and the like when we go back! And maybe catch up with friends near Newcastle, and family in Sydney.


Sir Salvadore had fun too!

Time for a change?

Dr P has suggested my chances are still good for a successful pg. Nothing is set in concrete of course, and he still thinks we have quality issues, but he seemed fairly positive. He's happy to advise Brisbane, but thinks they can probably do a better job in Sydney. At this point, a 2% improvement is better than nothing, I'll take what we can get.

Raises the dilemma of changing clinics though. I hate doing that at the best of times, and especially when we have a good rapport with the Dr in Brisbane. And chances are still pretty good for there also, so it makes justifying the move harder, but if we only have 2 or 3 more shots, I don't want to regret NOT going for gold with the best we can.

I get the impression Dr P is used to dealing with egg quality issues more aggressively also. And that the clinic is very flexible with retrieval dates, if I'm not a "textbook" responder.

I'm thinking about a new job as well. I thought I was doing ok, but I had a meeting with our practice manager, and feedback is that I'm not. I'm still mean apparently. Or "intimidating".
Well, if people stopped asking me stupid questions when I'm busy and used their own brains, I wouldn't get annoyed so much.
The worst part is that I don't really know what I want. Do I just want to work in a high end practice and do general vet work still, the variety is something I enjoy. Or do I want to take the next step and look toward a specialist practice, and maybe work at a specialty?
And more importantly, would I be any happier?

I don't like who I am anymore, but I'm trying so hard to not let it out when I get cranky. I'm trying to let those little things go, but lots of little things still get on my nerves - it builds up.
And when I have a constant hole in my heart, its just hard.

Crap. Just remembered I have to make an appt with my endocrinologist. Its been a while, so I'll need a new referral too, no doubt. I think my thyroid is messing around again - last bloods TSH was 4.4, higher than it should be. T3 and T4 still normal, but my TSH shouldn't be having to creep up to keep them within normal. So now I'm guessing I'll need supplementation rather than suppression.
Looks like thyroid meds are going to be back on the cards for me. Ah joy.
Because I need more things to obsess over.

Now let me see - good things. My lotus plants are still doing well, and Simone, if it wasn't for the damn quarrantine laws WA has, I'd ship it over quick smart! I'm sure it would do fine, they grow them in Vic, and you guys get hot enough summers, as long as the plant didn't get frosted, I think it would do great.
I bought some material today to make cushions for my couch today. Nice big cushions. Its funky pink and brown cotton, and it even met Kieran's approval. Also bought some photoboxes - reduced from $40 to $20, then with the 20% storewide sale...... = BARGAIN. They look really nice. Much better than the cardboard box the photos were previously in. Bit more cat-proof too.

Still need to get myself organised and do Nanna S's quilt. I've only had the material 2 years. I think I'll aim for Christmas. Then I have all this really nice material and a gorgeous pattern for a queen bed quilt too. Bit more complicated than what Ive done before, and have to hand cut each piece, no strip piecing (damn!), but should be well worth it once done. I'm thinking 2010 for that one ;)

More opinions....

So I spoke to a friend of the family yesterday. Well, he's my second cousin's husband, but that's just too hard to explain.
Anywho....Mum mentioned him a while ago, just in passing, and said he was an IVF doctor. Finally looked him up after the chemical pregnancy, and he's ONLY the clinical director of one of the big Sydney clinics. Well.

So I was emailing through his wife, and spoke to him yesterday. He thinks I have egg quality issues, is a little bamboozled by my reponse to some of the medications, and thinks he can help. Won't guarantee a baby, but thinks he can do at least as good a job as anyone else in the country.
Now there's a positive!

Its a little scary facing up to the egg quality thing, but he did suggest Kieran have a serum inhibin B level done, because if its >0, there is a chance there might be sperm somewhere. Now THAT is good news. Maybe. It does however mean revisiting that whole issue again, possibly getting our hopes up etc. I think in some ways it would be a lot easier to get a final NO, because there is less of an issue then. We've worked through not having Kieran's genetic offspring.
BUT, with egg quality issues, if we have to move to donor egg and donor sperm, that is going to suck. I can deal with donor egg if its Kieran's sperm though. I'd do it tomorrow if I thought it was really going to give us a chance.

So more bloods for me. CA 125, chlamydia serology, and then FSH, LH and E2 on day 1 of my cycle. Dr P seems to think this might help us pick the "good" versus "normal crap" cycles, and he's had better success rates with egg quality problems doing it this way. Don't know whether that brings us back to "normal" ivf success rates though!

Today I started organising copies of my bloods for Dr P - thyroid testing from the last 12 months, then all my clinic monitoring stuff from QFG. That's going to be an essay and a half.
I've just asked for the basic stuff - blood results, ultrasound results, lap results and embryo score cards. Will still be a whole stack from the clinic up here, a few from brisvegas, and then a few more from my GP.

My lotus plants are doing well. I'm about to pot one up and see how it does, then find something to pot the second one up. I have a friend who has said she'll adopt it!