Low Beta.....waiting

Tuesday's beta was only 46. Still a positive but hardly promising. Repeat in 48h was the instruction.

So I've had blood drawn again today, I've been trawling the literature because somehow that is less stressful than just stewing on it. There is still hope, and for the next few hours I'm pregnant. But my deepest, darkest fears are there under the surface. If its taken 4 years, 5 fresh IVF cycles, 3 frozen cycles where embryo's didn't even thaw, and one frozen transfer of two nice blastocysts to just get a chemical pregnancy, what will it take to get us through a full pregnancy to have a child?

I'm staying positive right now, but the reality is still very precarious. I'm praying so hard this will all turn out ok. That our beta numbers will double. Going for at least 92. I want this so badly. I want the naivity to assume a positive HPT will make us parents in 36 weeks. I want to be a mother. I want to make Kieran a Daddy.

I know I'm powerless to change the outcome, but I wish I could do something. This one is supposed to be it - everything went right. I mean, the embryo's actually survive the thaw and kept growing for heavens sake! How good is that? They're tough little buggers, hence the nicknames "chuck" and "norris". I feel like this has been our best chance yet.

I can be philosophical and stay positive about the whole experience - we were pregnant for a few days at least. And I'm grateful for that experience, it sure is a step forward from absolutely nothing. At least these embryo's turned up and showed a bit of effort!

I won't think about the alternative until I have to. Easier said than done of course. I won't even think about coping strategies, because this beta will be superb. Chuck and Norris will have had a little more time to become accustomed to their new home, and will settle in for the long ride.