Is it normal

Is it normal to feel guilty about my IF friends I'm "leaving behind" if this is a real and true pregnancy?
I feel so bad for them, remembering how I would be happy for them, but at the same time so destroyed for myself. There were only ever a handful I could feel completely and unreservedly happy for, with no "why not ME?" questions.

Is it normal to have had the initial rush of happiness and now feel surrounded by huge maybe's? Every time I find myself getting excited, or making mental plans, the "caution" sign flashes in my mind, reminding me nothing is concrete.

I feel like I'm in limbo, which is still infinitely better than BFN-despair. I don't feel confident enough to start getting attached to this pregnancy and (dare I say it) baby. If I'm not gagging and feeling ill constantly, I'm wondering if thats a bad sign, and maybe things aren't going well. I've never loved feeling ill so much.

And at the same time I'm trying not to over-think this.

I'm still trying to hold off telling anyone at work, but they're getting cluey. I think I might need to say something next week. Should I let them keep guessing and only tell them after the scan? I hate feeling like I'm deliberately keeping things from them, when they would be just so happy, but at the same time, I'm nervous about having to deal with their reactions if things don't go well.

So much for not overthinking things.

So far, so good

Beta was in 2 days ago - 561 at 15dpo! Progesterone was 190 too! Even better - no more pessaries.

So I do have morning sickness, sore breasts, and even my masseuse noticed they are.....ummm bigger. There goes my dignity. Lucky I had none left anyway. And I'm used to it, since I hear childbirth involves very little dignity whatsoever.

Our first scan is on the 11th of Dec. 2 weeks today. Feeling pretty good, and nothing to do from here but rest, take it easy and cross fingers. I'm over the moon, but holding it in check, certainly no "unreserved excitement" like there was with the chemical pregnancy - cautiously optimistic best describes the mood at home. Neither of us are discussing the ugly what ifs, but also not making definitive plans, just kind of hopeful ones. Like - I might miss my 10 year university reunion with all my vet buddies if we get that far. I'd be due 3 weeks after the reunion, so it could be tricky getting to the venue, which is either a 16 hour drive, or 2 hour plane flight.

I've told my bosses, and they're unreservedly happy for us, so I figure everyone else will probably know very shortly. And if they're not told, I think they'll work it out in the next week when I gag every time a smoker walks in or a dog has diarrhoea. I need to learn to school my expressions better.

K has his "quit smoking" date for next saturday, he's been on champix, so we're hoping that will give him the edge, but if becoming a daddy doesn't provide enough motivation - I've no idea what will.

Now I'm off to bed - these hormones are messing with my head, and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Ahhhhh, I caved. So shoot me. At least I have justification for getting beta out of the way tomorrow instead of when I'm at work Wednesday. Its not official until I see those rising beta's, however this confirms the symptoms of the last week. I'm going to be so nervous until there is a baby in my arms though. I'm scared to jinx this.....

Home at last

Well we arrived home from Sydney 6 days ago, I've been putting off the next post because it just seemed too daunting.

As you see, Sir Salvador Sturgeonduck had a great time!

My E2 levels rose VERY nicely - 173, 1547, 4000, 11000! At our last scan, they thought we'd still need to stim a few days, but once they got the oestradiol numbers back - Hell no, you're going to retrieval on monday and we're dropping your dose of meds right down. By the way, we're worried about OHSS, so drink 3 litres of water each day too. Basically my FSH dose got progressively lower for the final 5 days of stims, and considering it was only 10 days of stimming in total - that's pretty darned good for me!

We also had an appointment with the specialist to discuss K's pathology resuts, and he thought it was worth doing a testicular biopsy to try and find us some sperm. Wow. Obviously no guarantees on embryo quality, but considering this was potentially one of our last cycles, we figured we'd pull out all the stops. The donor sperm was there as backup in case they couldn't get sperm on the day.

We retrieved 27 eggs.

Of those, 19 were mature and suitable for ICSI, and they found 19 sperm suitable to fertilise!

10 fertilised normally, and on day 5, we had two perfect AA blasts, and one AB (the inner cell mass that becomes the baby was graded A, the trophoderm that becomes the placenta was graded B). We transferred one AA, and froze the other two.

Kieran was feeling a little better by day5 - still pretty sore, but rather proud of himself and his embies! I found ER really easy, despite having produced a veritable truckload of eggs, recovered well, no signs of OHSS.

Beta is now only 2 days away, and its 14dpo. So I'm debating testing at home early - I have symptoms just like last time, but that ended as a chemical, so I'm scared to see two lines and have that dashed in 48h. At the same time, I'll be at work all day Wednesday, so its going to be torture! If I get lines, I can justify doing the test tomorrow!

All in all, Sydney was a fruitful experience - we would never have gotten results like this with our old clinic, and never with Kieran's sperm. It was a big decision to go ahead with that rather than the donor. There were all the questions on whether a baby might have the same kind of problems as Kieran has had, and even though medicine has advanced considerably, its still a lot to go through, when it might not be necessary. But we felt we needed to tick all the boxes - the ability to give a child the certainty of where they came from was something we weighed against the possible health risks. It made for an interesting few days.

And we managed some sight seeing in Sydney. Sir Salvador had great fun visiting the Chinese Gardens at Darling Harbour, Centrepoint, the french patisserie around the corner from the hotel we stayed at, Hyde park, St Mary's. He's clocking up some frequent flyer points!