New month, new resolve

I really have to get better at this. I've been rather lazy in terms of keeping up with the blogging over the last month. This is why I was never any good at keeping a diary as a child.

A lot has happened over the last month. I'm pretty happy with my assigments, far from brilliant, but all I have to do is reference them, and I'm done. No mean feat in itself, but I'll have it done by tomorrow night at the latest.

My dream job just came up also. I mentioned it to Kieran and got NOTHING the first time, no questions, nothing. The conversation just continued as though I'd said nothing. Then I mentioned that I was thinking of going to Brisbane for the day to just talk to them about it, not actually apply, but test the waters so I had more details. At least that time I got an acknowledgement of the statement. Nothing further though. Maybe I'll try again tonight.


The job is an internal medicine residency. Its exactly the kind of thing I love, and it seems to be in the direction everyone expects me to go. The only problem is the timing - as we're trying for IVF etc etc. But most of my IVF buddies have all said to go for it, the rest can be worked out later. It would be a great opportunity, and a great step forward for my career etc etc. And then there is the complete lack of any guarantee with IVF anyway.

Heck, I might not even GET the job!

On the IVF front, we had a consult with a Dr at IVF Australia 10 days ago. He was encouraged by all of my blood results so far, but thinks I've been over-supressed for each of my cycles so far, which is why I've needed heroic doses of FSH. He would also monitor me much more closely. Kieran and I were both impressed - the guy knows his stuff.


So we need to organise the sperm we have up here to be sent to Sydney, and have to make sure the required testing has been done on our donor also. Then we can probably go ahead with a cycle late this year or early next year.



I also saw a Chinese medicine practitioner, and she's put me on some herbs to try and get things right with my cycles. They're not super-revolting (thank heavens), and are only twice daily.

Something has to give, right?

We had great fun taking photos around Sydney harbour while we were there, didn't have much time, so it will be nice to get in some touristy stuff like ferry trips to Manly and the like when we go back! And maybe catch up with friends near Newcastle, and family in Sydney.


Sir Salvadore had fun too!

Around the house this week

I've been doing some painting again this week. Not walls and ceilings, but pictures. One landscape, and another that my counsellor suggested – painting my grief and frustration and longing. Its more about longing now that I’ve started it. It’s a little abstract, and rather clichéd, but I think its actually good for me. Maybe its just being able to channel my energy into those emotions, and put down my longing on canvas; it’s a forum to express it in a way that is hard verbally. How do you keep saying “I want this so badly” with each breath of each day? Once the words are out there and your loved ones acknowledge them, how do you keep expressing how much it hurts? Everyone still knows, but I still have to live it, and feel it.
I guess it really is a form of grief.

My lotus pots are slowly making their way to being useful…..I primed them with the sealer today, didn’t quite dry in time to get a coat of the undiluted sealant on though. That will be tomorrow. I’m hoping I can get both coats done, then I can get some water in them in 10 days! Little lotus is doing well still, but I can’t wait to get a few fish to gobble up the mosquito larvae having a party in the lotus bucket.

And I’ll make some cushions soon too. Have this lovely fabric, will brighten up the lounge a little , without being overly dramatic, so I just have to get some zippers and decide how big I want the cushions. I want nice big, squishy ones, but I’m having trouble finding inserts that are plump enough.

I’ve had a big week really – the dental seminar we organized this week went off with minimal hitches (last minute change of date) but everyone enjoyed it thoroughly. Phew.
Also told my work I was considering resigning. I’m trying to decide if I want to stay in general practice or not, and we’ve had a few issue at work that I’m just getting sick and tired of. We always have staffing issues, but I feel very unsupported by the staff in general, maybe I look too capable, maybe they’re still scared of me, maybe they just don’t give a damn. But I’m tired of trying to help them and getting nothing in return.
I did get a pay rise though.
I don’t want to make any decisions when my head is so messed up and I’m so emotional right now, but I’ve had days when I just felt like walking out. Maybe spending a week in a specialist practice or two is a good idea, might help me determine what I want to do with my career, since the baby-making is not going well.

We're trying to organise a trip to Sydney to consult with Dr P, have the appointment booked for the 21st of August. I also want to see a chinese herbalist – her clinic is supposed to be brilliant in the treatment of infertility disorders. Basically I think my Kidney Yin and Kidney Yang are very messed up. Probably a Spleen Qi deficiency with my digestive history and the whole overwork issue will probably come up too.
If we can get in to see our Brisbane IVF Dr in the same trip, that would be awesome, otherwise we’ll just organise a day trip to Brisvegas.

So, plenty to keep me busy, I have the whole weekend off this week, so might go out and about and enjoy "Saturday stuff". Its been so long since I've had more than the odd saturday off. What DO people do on saturdays?

Time for a change?

Dr P has suggested my chances are still good for a successful pg. Nothing is set in concrete of course, and he still thinks we have quality issues, but he seemed fairly positive. He's happy to advise Brisbane, but thinks they can probably do a better job in Sydney. At this point, a 2% improvement is better than nothing, I'll take what we can get.

Raises the dilemma of changing clinics though. I hate doing that at the best of times, and especially when we have a good rapport with the Dr in Brisbane. And chances are still pretty good for there also, so it makes justifying the move harder, but if we only have 2 or 3 more shots, I don't want to regret NOT going for gold with the best we can.

I get the impression Dr P is used to dealing with egg quality issues more aggressively also. And that the clinic is very flexible with retrieval dates, if I'm not a "textbook" responder.

I'm thinking about a new job as well. I thought I was doing ok, but I had a meeting with our practice manager, and feedback is that I'm not. I'm still mean apparently. Or "intimidating".
Well, if people stopped asking me stupid questions when I'm busy and used their own brains, I wouldn't get annoyed so much.
The worst part is that I don't really know what I want. Do I just want to work in a high end practice and do general vet work still, the variety is something I enjoy. Or do I want to take the next step and look toward a specialist practice, and maybe work at a specialty?
And more importantly, would I be any happier?

I don't like who I am anymore, but I'm trying so hard to not let it out when I get cranky. I'm trying to let those little things go, but lots of little things still get on my nerves - it builds up.
And when I have a constant hole in my heart, its just hard.

Crap. Just remembered I have to make an appt with my endocrinologist. Its been a while, so I'll need a new referral too, no doubt. I think my thyroid is messing around again - last bloods TSH was 4.4, higher than it should be. T3 and T4 still normal, but my TSH shouldn't be having to creep up to keep them within normal. So now I'm guessing I'll need supplementation rather than suppression.
Looks like thyroid meds are going to be back on the cards for me. Ah joy.
Because I need more things to obsess over.

Now let me see - good things. My lotus plants are still doing well, and Simone, if it wasn't for the damn quarrantine laws WA has, I'd ship it over quick smart! I'm sure it would do fine, they grow them in Vic, and you guys get hot enough summers, as long as the plant didn't get frosted, I think it would do great.
I bought some material today to make cushions for my couch today. Nice big cushions. Its funky pink and brown cotton, and it even met Kieran's approval. Also bought some photoboxes - reduced from $40 to $20, then with the 20% storewide sale...... = BARGAIN. They look really nice. Much better than the cardboard box the photos were previously in. Bit more cat-proof too.

Still need to get myself organised and do Nanna S's quilt. I've only had the material 2 years. I think I'll aim for Christmas. Then I have all this really nice material and a gorgeous pattern for a queen bed quilt too. Bit more complicated than what Ive done before, and have to hand cut each piece, no strip piecing (damn!), but should be well worth it once done. I'm thinking 2010 for that one ;)