Water garden progress

So these are my water gardens. Still a little cloudy while I'm waiting for the balance to come right, but I love them anyway. They don't look so nice right now, since I have shade cloth over both of them. The nice little plants right in the water.....well the dogs like to eat them. I have no more leaves on my water lily :( because they decided to munch away. They both seem fine, so I think we can assume water lilies are not a toxic plant.
I put in 2 pregnant mollies - one yellow, one black with the plants too. Had a great afternoon. The lady at the aquarium store said the females will sometimes just drop the babies and might not survive with the shock, but that the babies then do really well.
Anyway, I thought the black female was cactus, since she dropped the babies while she was still in the plastic bag acclimatising. Not a good sign. I was convinced she hadn't made it, hadn't seen her in 3 days, and then couldn't see the yellow molly. I felt so bad for them both. Luckily the little babies are doing so well.
But last night, I went out with the torch to check on them, and lo and behold, the yellow female is looking good! And who would be sitting on the bottom next to her, only to dart away as soon as I bumped the barrel - the black female.
I felt so much better, it just made my night.
Those are tough little fish. And now I have something like 8 little black baby mollies too! I'm thinking about seeing how a couple of them go in the other barrel. It doesn't have a mud bottom like the other, the water is deeper and it spends most of the time in the shade at this time of year, so I'm not sure how they'd go.

I'll keep posting progress pics as things fill out and look prettier.

I should probably post the "setback" pics too. Such as this morning when I came home to a papyrus plant lying in the middle of the pathway. I've just replanted it in the mud at
the bottom of the barrel, hoping if it doesn't poke out so much, it won't look as interesting.

The lotus flower to the left is how I'm hoping my lotus plant will end up looking. The seeds are from the local lotus pond, and all the flowers are this delicious pink. I was down at the ponds a week ago and all the leaves are dry and brown, and there are all of these seed pods.
Its kind of ugly when you first look at it, but you take a step back, and its actually quite beautiful. These dead leaves that rustle and crackle in the wind, and the form of the leaves and the seed pods is really interesting. There are still a few green leaves here and there, and the rare flower, but overall its this dormant, restful stage there. Come late spring it will be completely different. Being in the tropics, its one of the only plants around here that gives you that real winter-y, dormant feeling.

Kieran and I head to Sydney in a little under 3 weeks for another Dr's appointment, and I'm seeing a TCM practitioner to look at herbal medicine for the IVF issues too. Can't hurt, and it seems to have helped when I've done it on break cycles.

Then some time off in early September. Trying to decide if I should head down to Brisbane and spend some time at a specialist clinic or two for something different. Or maybe I'll just veg out at home.

Around the house this week

I've been doing some painting again this week. Not walls and ceilings, but pictures. One landscape, and another that my counsellor suggested – painting my grief and frustration and longing. Its more about longing now that I’ve started it. It’s a little abstract, and rather clichéd, but I think its actually good for me. Maybe its just being able to channel my energy into those emotions, and put down my longing on canvas; it’s a forum to express it in a way that is hard verbally. How do you keep saying “I want this so badly” with each breath of each day? Once the words are out there and your loved ones acknowledge them, how do you keep expressing how much it hurts? Everyone still knows, but I still have to live it, and feel it.
I guess it really is a form of grief.

My lotus pots are slowly making their way to being useful…..I primed them with the sealer today, didn’t quite dry in time to get a coat of the undiluted sealant on though. That will be tomorrow. I’m hoping I can get both coats done, then I can get some water in them in 10 days! Little lotus is doing well still, but I can’t wait to get a few fish to gobble up the mosquito larvae having a party in the lotus bucket.

And I’ll make some cushions soon too. Have this lovely fabric, will brighten up the lounge a little , without being overly dramatic, so I just have to get some zippers and decide how big I want the cushions. I want nice big, squishy ones, but I’m having trouble finding inserts that are plump enough.

I’ve had a big week really – the dental seminar we organized this week went off with minimal hitches (last minute change of date) but everyone enjoyed it thoroughly. Phew.
Also told my work I was considering resigning. I’m trying to decide if I want to stay in general practice or not, and we’ve had a few issue at work that I’m just getting sick and tired of. We always have staffing issues, but I feel very unsupported by the staff in general, maybe I look too capable, maybe they’re still scared of me, maybe they just don’t give a damn. But I’m tired of trying to help them and getting nothing in return.
I did get a pay rise though.
I don’t want to make any decisions when my head is so messed up and I’m so emotional right now, but I’ve had days when I just felt like walking out. Maybe spending a week in a specialist practice or two is a good idea, might help me determine what I want to do with my career, since the baby-making is not going well.

We're trying to organise a trip to Sydney to consult with Dr P, have the appointment booked for the 21st of August. I also want to see a chinese herbalist – her clinic is supposed to be brilliant in the treatment of infertility disorders. Basically I think my Kidney Yin and Kidney Yang are very messed up. Probably a Spleen Qi deficiency with my digestive history and the whole overwork issue will probably come up too.
If we can get in to see our Brisbane IVF Dr in the same trip, that would be awesome, otherwise we’ll just organise a day trip to Brisvegas.

So, plenty to keep me busy, I have the whole weekend off this week, so might go out and about and enjoy "Saturday stuff". Its been so long since I've had more than the odd saturday off. What DO people do on saturdays?

The family

I thought it was about time to post some pictures. Besides, its more fun than just whining about my crappy week at work.
The picture is of Kieran and Lita. I was trying to upload a whole heap, but that doesn't seem to be working too well.

I'm working on another lotus pic, and a sunset pic too. Very slowly.
Looks like Sydney might be a more difficult option for the IVF, since it seems our private health insurer doesn't have an agreement with their day surgery. Will need to investigate further, see if we can arrange something with them. Not happy about that one Jan. Not happy.
On a brighter note, my Dad passed his first semester at uni with a pass and two distinctions!!! How cool is that!

Time for a change?

Dr P has suggested my chances are still good for a successful pg. Nothing is set in concrete of course, and he still thinks we have quality issues, but he seemed fairly positive. He's happy to advise Brisbane, but thinks they can probably do a better job in Sydney. At this point, a 2% improvement is better than nothing, I'll take what we can get.

Raises the dilemma of changing clinics though. I hate doing that at the best of times, and especially when we have a good rapport with the Dr in Brisbane. And chances are still pretty good for there also, so it makes justifying the move harder, but if we only have 2 or 3 more shots, I don't want to regret NOT going for gold with the best we can.

I get the impression Dr P is used to dealing with egg quality issues more aggressively also. And that the clinic is very flexible with retrieval dates, if I'm not a "textbook" responder.

I'm thinking about a new job as well. I thought I was doing ok, but I had a meeting with our practice manager, and feedback is that I'm not. I'm still mean apparently. Or "intimidating".
Well, if people stopped asking me stupid questions when I'm busy and used their own brains, I wouldn't get annoyed so much.
The worst part is that I don't really know what I want. Do I just want to work in a high end practice and do general vet work still, the variety is something I enjoy. Or do I want to take the next step and look toward a specialist practice, and maybe work at a specialty?
And more importantly, would I be any happier?

I don't like who I am anymore, but I'm trying so hard to not let it out when I get cranky. I'm trying to let those little things go, but lots of little things still get on my nerves - it builds up.
And when I have a constant hole in my heart, its just hard.

Crap. Just remembered I have to make an appt with my endocrinologist. Its been a while, so I'll need a new referral too, no doubt. I think my thyroid is messing around again - last bloods TSH was 4.4, higher than it should be. T3 and T4 still normal, but my TSH shouldn't be having to creep up to keep them within normal. So now I'm guessing I'll need supplementation rather than suppression.
Looks like thyroid meds are going to be back on the cards for me. Ah joy.
Because I need more things to obsess over.

Now let me see - good things. My lotus plants are still doing well, and Simone, if it wasn't for the damn quarrantine laws WA has, I'd ship it over quick smart! I'm sure it would do fine, they grow them in Vic, and you guys get hot enough summers, as long as the plant didn't get frosted, I think it would do great.
I bought some material today to make cushions for my couch today. Nice big cushions. Its funky pink and brown cotton, and it even met Kieran's approval. Also bought some photoboxes - reduced from $40 to $20, then with the 20% storewide sale...... = BARGAIN. They look really nice. Much better than the cardboard box the photos were previously in. Bit more cat-proof too.

Still need to get myself organised and do Nanna S's quilt. I've only had the material 2 years. I think I'll aim for Christmas. Then I have all this really nice material and a gorgeous pattern for a queen bed quilt too. Bit more complicated than what Ive done before, and have to hand cut each piece, no strip piecing (damn!), but should be well worth it once done. I'm thinking 2010 for that one ;)