Around the house this week

I've been doing some painting again this week. Not walls and ceilings, but pictures. One landscape, and another that my counsellor suggested – painting my grief and frustration and longing. Its more about longing now that I’ve started it. It’s a little abstract, and rather clichéd, but I think its actually good for me. Maybe its just being able to channel my energy into those emotions, and put down my longing on canvas; it’s a forum to express it in a way that is hard verbally. How do you keep saying “I want this so badly” with each breath of each day? Once the words are out there and your loved ones acknowledge them, how do you keep expressing how much it hurts? Everyone still knows, but I still have to live it, and feel it.
I guess it really is a form of grief.

My lotus pots are slowly making their way to being useful…..I primed them with the sealer today, didn’t quite dry in time to get a coat of the undiluted sealant on though. That will be tomorrow. I’m hoping I can get both coats done, then I can get some water in them in 10 days! Little lotus is doing well still, but I can’t wait to get a few fish to gobble up the mosquito larvae having a party in the lotus bucket.

And I’ll make some cushions soon too. Have this lovely fabric, will brighten up the lounge a little , without being overly dramatic, so I just have to get some zippers and decide how big I want the cushions. I want nice big, squishy ones, but I’m having trouble finding inserts that are plump enough.

I’ve had a big week really – the dental seminar we organized this week went off with minimal hitches (last minute change of date) but everyone enjoyed it thoroughly. Phew.
Also told my work I was considering resigning. I’m trying to decide if I want to stay in general practice or not, and we’ve had a few issue at work that I’m just getting sick and tired of. We always have staffing issues, but I feel very unsupported by the staff in general, maybe I look too capable, maybe they’re still scared of me, maybe they just don’t give a damn. But I’m tired of trying to help them and getting nothing in return.
I did get a pay rise though.
I don’t want to make any decisions when my head is so messed up and I’m so emotional right now, but I’ve had days when I just felt like walking out. Maybe spending a week in a specialist practice or two is a good idea, might help me determine what I want to do with my career, since the baby-making is not going well.

We're trying to organise a trip to Sydney to consult with Dr P, have the appointment booked for the 21st of August. I also want to see a chinese herbalist – her clinic is supposed to be brilliant in the treatment of infertility disorders. Basically I think my Kidney Yin and Kidney Yang are very messed up. Probably a Spleen Qi deficiency with my digestive history and the whole overwork issue will probably come up too.
If we can get in to see our Brisbane IVF Dr in the same trip, that would be awesome, otherwise we’ll just organise a day trip to Brisvegas.

So, plenty to keep me busy, I have the whole weekend off this week, so might go out and about and enjoy "Saturday stuff". Its been so long since I've had more than the odd saturday off. What DO people do on saturdays?