What to do when the title of my blog no longer seems appropriate. I guess in some ways it is appropriate, since we've overcome the hurdle that was infertility, but I feel like something of a fraud posting on what appears to be an infertility blog, now that Squidgy has arrived.
Squidgy has a name. Nathaniel Cai. He arrived after 12 hours of established labour, and the 12 hours before, that I managed to deny I was in early labour. I was sure the contractions would go away again!
Nate is almost 8 months, and I know its a cliche, but time really has flown. For anyone wondering if its all worth it, if motherhood is everything its cracked up to be, for me, there aren't enough words to describe the joy it has brought. Its like there was always a part of me missing, that I never even knew about, until Nate arrived. This incredible bond, that you nurture through the pregnancy, becomes realised when this perfect little human is born. He is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
I'm mindful of friends who are yet to meet their forever babies, and it feels strange to now be part of that "other", with a completed journey and happy ending. If anything, being one of the lucky ones, makes me want it all the more for them. I no longer have this dragging ache, a dread of the next pregnancy announcement, or the bitter longing as I watch a friend with their baby. There is still resentment toward those who take their easy journey for granted. I'm still getting used to the fact that Nate is normal to the rest of the world, but means so very much to us - his story began almost 6 years ago, not with a missed period in November '08.
We are blessed.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Monday, March 23, 2009
21 weeks already
Eeek - almost 2 months between posts. I have been slack.
Sigh.
No real excuse apart from apathy, but I guess I could always play the "baby brain" card here.
I've been so slack keeping up with messages from friends, email, and even doing the work for our 10 year vet reunion, that its just ridiculous. Granted, I have been obsessing over baby stuff, gloriously consumed by it, but thats not a real reason to ignore the rest of my life, just another excuse.
Well I have this week off, so I'll hopefully get my act together, get organised and manage to catch up. K is nagging me about finishing the baby quilts (for a friend) I started AAAAAAAAges ago, before starting anything else. What a killjoy. ; )
All is progressing well on the baby front, there is a real belly happening, which feels just wonderful I must say! We've been feeling Squidgy move for the last few weeks now, since 15 weeks. 19w scan went quite well, all the measurements were good, heart and kidneys looked good, but we do have a single umbilical artery instead of the normal 2 arteries. Can be nothing to worry about, can be associated with trisomy 13 or 18, cardiac problems, renal or urologic problems.....or a completely normal baby. Nothing major showing up on our scans, so we continue as though nothing has happened. We have another cardiac scan scheduled for 3 weeks, just to double check again, what with the DS risk and now the single artery.
And I'd almost got my endocrine and obstetric appts to line up again, when my thyroid starts playing up and throws a spanner in the works. Turns out its now dropping a bit too low, and unless my T4 reverts back to normal by next week, I'll be on thyroxine for the rest of the pregnancy. Minor detail that one!
Work is going well, apart from my roster being a little all over the place - I never know what clinic I'm working at! I also had discussions with the local uni, and they're interested in having me on staff at the vet clinic when I'm ready to come back from maternity leave next year. I'm really excited about that. Its nothing definite of course, but would make a nice change of pace. And I'd get to be involved in teaching students.
We also took a major step a few weeks ago when a local baby store was closing down - we bought a change table and a baby monitor. Both were ridiculously marked down, and massive bargains, so we were pretty happy with the purchases. Now to keep working on my darling husband about cloth nappies.
Sigh.
No real excuse apart from apathy, but I guess I could always play the "baby brain" card here.
I've been so slack keeping up with messages from friends, email, and even doing the work for our 10 year vet reunion, that its just ridiculous. Granted, I have been obsessing over baby stuff, gloriously consumed by it, but thats not a real reason to ignore the rest of my life, just another excuse.
Well I have this week off, so I'll hopefully get my act together, get organised and manage to catch up. K is nagging me about finishing the baby quilts (for a friend) I started AAAAAAAAges ago, before starting anything else. What a killjoy. ; )
All is progressing well on the baby front, there is a real belly happening, which feels just wonderful I must say! We've been feeling Squidgy move for the last few weeks now, since 15 weeks. 19w scan went quite well, all the measurements were good, heart and kidneys looked good, but we do have a single umbilical artery instead of the normal 2 arteries. Can be nothing to worry about, can be associated with trisomy 13 or 18, cardiac problems, renal or urologic problems.....or a completely normal baby. Nothing major showing up on our scans, so we continue as though nothing has happened. We have another cardiac scan scheduled for 3 weeks, just to double check again, what with the DS risk and now the single artery.
And I'd almost got my endocrine and obstetric appts to line up again, when my thyroid starts playing up and throws a spanner in the works. Turns out its now dropping a bit too low, and unless my T4 reverts back to normal by next week, I'll be on thyroxine for the rest of the pregnancy. Minor detail that one!
Work is going well, apart from my roster being a little all over the place - I never know what clinic I'm working at! I also had discussions with the local uni, and they're interested in having me on staff at the vet clinic when I'm ready to come back from maternity leave next year. I'm really excited about that. Its nothing definite of course, but would make a nice change of pace. And I'd get to be involved in teaching students.
We also took a major step a few weeks ago when a local baby store was closing down - we bought a change table and a baby monitor. Both were ridiculously marked down, and massive bargains, so we were pretty happy with the purchases. Now to keep working on my darling husband about cloth nappies.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Mixed news
The OB appointment was a bit of a false start last week. We were shunted into the endocrine team after waiting over an hour, then shortly after saw an obstetric registrar. Who was nice, but the OB we will be seeing was still on holidays. And it was kind of a meet and greet and "here's a form for more tests" appointment.
We went ahead with the nuchal translucency scan, I was pretty happy to pass on it, since we wouldn't be doing CVS or amniocentesis, but K was fairly keen. I was pretty much expecting to get results at our next appointment, but K nearly had a fit when I suggested that! I don't think it helped his blood pressure. Thankfully the ultrasonographer intervened and said we'd get a call if there were problems.
I was suspicous during the scan, as we didn't get a huge amount pointed out, and she spent a lot of time getting multiple measurements of bub. Not overly concerned though, there was no "OH MY STARS THIS CHILD IS A LIZARD!!" Pretty good start. Moving ok, heartbeat ok, there were 5 fingers, 2 arms, 2 legs, a brain......getting better.
The bloods finally came through on Tuesday (took their darned time!), and since we didn't get a phone call then, we thought we might be ok. I figured if we didn't get one by the end of the week, and certainly by next tuesday, we'd probably be out of the woods. Wednesday morning the phone call comes. We got your results, and you're high risk for chromosomal abnormalities. 1:100. 1% chance. Not horrendous odds, but still not what we wanted to hear, especially considering the risk for age is only 1:900. Next step would be CVS, which would need to be done in the next week. I've already decided I'm not prepared for that risk, a 1-2 % increase in miscarriage? No way. The OB was great, briefly went through our history and the multiple IVF cycles, and was completely understanding of us not being prepared for that risk.
I don't know how I'd manage if we did the test, lost the baby and it came back normal. Especially when the risk of abnormalities is lower than the risk of the test.
So K and I talked a lot yesterday, and we have moved our appointment with the OB forward to next week. Mostly so Kieran can be there for it. It was supposed to be the "big one" with booking in and the like, meeting midwives and stuff. I guess we'll discuss what to expect, the real risks, and the next ultrasound. We'll just wait until then to make any decisions, if there are problems, we'll deal with them then.
Now the initial kick in the guts has worn off, I'm feeling more positive. 1% is not so bad. The odds are actually on our side for a change. I'm frustrated that we're not able to just enjoy this pregnancy though, and look forward to scans rather than wish away the next 6 weeks to get clearer answers.
Well we can save some more and stash it away for when I'm off work I guess, but there won't be any baby shopping for at least another 2 months I think.
We went ahead with the nuchal translucency scan, I was pretty happy to pass on it, since we wouldn't be doing CVS or amniocentesis, but K was fairly keen. I was pretty much expecting to get results at our next appointment, but K nearly had a fit when I suggested that! I don't think it helped his blood pressure. Thankfully the ultrasonographer intervened and said we'd get a call if there were problems.
I was suspicous during the scan, as we didn't get a huge amount pointed out, and she spent a lot of time getting multiple measurements of bub. Not overly concerned though, there was no "OH MY STARS THIS CHILD IS A LIZARD!!" Pretty good start. Moving ok, heartbeat ok, there were 5 fingers, 2 arms, 2 legs, a brain......getting better.
The bloods finally came through on Tuesday (took their darned time!), and since we didn't get a phone call then, we thought we might be ok. I figured if we didn't get one by the end of the week, and certainly by next tuesday, we'd probably be out of the woods. Wednesday morning the phone call comes. We got your results, and you're high risk for chromosomal abnormalities. 1:100. 1% chance. Not horrendous odds, but still not what we wanted to hear, especially considering the risk for age is only 1:900. Next step would be CVS, which would need to be done in the next week. I've already decided I'm not prepared for that risk, a 1-2 % increase in miscarriage? No way. The OB was great, briefly went through our history and the multiple IVF cycles, and was completely understanding of us not being prepared for that risk.
I don't know how I'd manage if we did the test, lost the baby and it came back normal. Especially when the risk of abnormalities is lower than the risk of the test.
So K and I talked a lot yesterday, and we have moved our appointment with the OB forward to next week. Mostly so Kieran can be there for it. It was supposed to be the "big one" with booking in and the like, meeting midwives and stuff. I guess we'll discuss what to expect, the real risks, and the next ultrasound. We'll just wait until then to make any decisions, if there are problems, we'll deal with them then.
Now the initial kick in the guts has worn off, I'm feeling more positive. 1% is not so bad. The odds are actually on our side for a change. I'm frustrated that we're not able to just enjoy this pregnancy though, and look forward to scans rather than wish away the next 6 weeks to get clearer answers.
Well we can save some more and stash it away for when I'm off work I guess, but there won't be any baby shopping for at least another 2 months I think.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
2 more sleeps to go
Until we see the OB. I managed to think up a few questions, K is being completely unhelpful though, and apparently has nothing he wants to know. He obviously thinks that asking when his wife will stop being a hormonal unpredictable time bomb is not a good idea while I'm in the room.
Smart man, that one.
Q1: When should I stop work?
2: How much work is ok? What restrictions should I have? (obviously x-rays, hormone or chemo drugs are a no-no!)
3: Is it ok to get a dental scale done or not?
4: What do we do about the NT scan? Should we worry?
5: How often is it ok to ultrasound myself at work (huge anxiety reliever to see bubs jiggling away)
5: If PCOS was part of my problems, does this increase the risk for gestational diabetes? (with that whole insulin resistance thing...)
6: Is it ok to keep taking zantac for the reflux, and should I take it prophylactically or only after sypmtoms start?
And listening intently to all the other info I'm sure we'll be bombarded with!
Sleeping better this week thank heavens, last night was the exception, go figure.
Smart man, that one.
Q1: When should I stop work?
2: How much work is ok? What restrictions should I have? (obviously x-rays, hormone or chemo drugs are a no-no!)
3: Is it ok to get a dental scale done or not?
4: What do we do about the NT scan? Should we worry?
5: How often is it ok to ultrasound myself at work (huge anxiety reliever to see bubs jiggling away)
5: If PCOS was part of my problems, does this increase the risk for gestational diabetes? (with that whole insulin resistance thing...)
6: Is it ok to keep taking zantac for the reflux, and should I take it prophylactically or only after sypmtoms start?
And listening intently to all the other info I'm sure we'll be bombarded with!
Sleeping better this week thank heavens, last night was the exception, go figure.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I just want to sleep
I'm so tired. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. But then, I can't remember what I was doing 40 seconds ago either. My back is sore, and I realised today I'm not actually over the morning sickness, not if I haven't had enough sleep.
If anyone has any pointers for getting a solid night's sleep while pregnant, now is the time to chime in.
It is kind of comforting, because I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment. Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping well. Maybe I'm worried about work. Maybe I'm just worried. I'm having horrid dreams at the moment, which usually only happens when I'm upset about something. But the only thing I'm upset about is not getting enough sleep. Tonight, I'm going to start a sleep ritual. No chocolate before bed. A nice warm, soothing shower. A cup of herbal tea. Maybe I'll do some yoga first to work some physical exhaustion in there too.
These shorter work days are taking some of the pressure off at least. I get a break in the morning, so if its been a bad night, I can sleep in. Which is actually most nights. And I've had a few great days at work, got everything done during the day without needing to stay back late. O wonder of wonders!
I'm still apprehensive about how far to plan ahead, everything still seems so precarious. Today marked munchkins 11w milestone, so I know the further we get, the better we're doing. But I've never had the luxury of ignorance to simply assume all will go well. At the same time, I'm certainly not pessimistic, just trying to enjoy each day of this ride, for as long as I can. I feel so blessed to get this far and be feeling so good.
I feel a bit lost because some of the early symptoms like morning sickness don't seem to be as pronounced, but I'm not showing, I don't feel the baby move, and not much else has changed. I feel kind of stupid doing much else in the way of preparation. I have started clearing out all our art gear from one spare room to the office/guest room, thus creating space in what will eventually be a nursery. Hard to justify doing anything much more than spring cleaning, but at least that keeps me occupied. I also started looking into modern cloth nappies, not the white terry towelling squares we grew up with, but fitted ones. The costs look pretty good, especially since you can use them for later kids (if we were that lucky). And some of them fit from newborn (or shortly after) through to toddler. Then there is the whole environmental aspect.
I'll have some trouble convincing K of this however. He's dead keen on disposables, and they do have the advantage of convenience, so we might even use a combination.
And there I go getting ahead of myself.
I am spending more time training the dogs too. They're pretty good, but because they are just so big, I need to make sure they're used to different rules. Eclipse, well, he's a cat. And cats will be cats. He had a scare last week after leaping onto the flyscreen to catch a gecko....and going straight through. He ended up 3m up a palm tree with our two dogs leaping up to try and catch him. They're great with him as long as he doesn't start acting like a prey item or a possum.
And I finally bought a mobile phone. ALMOST made it to 31 without one. And still haven't gotten any calls on it, it really is just an emergency backup. I haven't bothered topping up the credit, as $10 might actually last me a month! I did have to text my husband to get him to put my mobile number in his contact list, the lazy bugger!
So some meditation, yoga and then attempt to sleep! 8 more sleeps until our first OB appointment. I have a handful of questions, but really don't know what I should be asking - apart from is the baby ok!
If anyone has any pointers for getting a solid night's sleep while pregnant, now is the time to chime in.
It is kind of comforting, because I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment. Maybe that's why I'm not sleeping well. Maybe I'm worried about work. Maybe I'm just worried. I'm having horrid dreams at the moment, which usually only happens when I'm upset about something. But the only thing I'm upset about is not getting enough sleep. Tonight, I'm going to start a sleep ritual. No chocolate before bed. A nice warm, soothing shower. A cup of herbal tea. Maybe I'll do some yoga first to work some physical exhaustion in there too.
These shorter work days are taking some of the pressure off at least. I get a break in the morning, so if its been a bad night, I can sleep in. Which is actually most nights. And I've had a few great days at work, got everything done during the day without needing to stay back late. O wonder of wonders!
I'm still apprehensive about how far to plan ahead, everything still seems so precarious. Today marked munchkins 11w milestone, so I know the further we get, the better we're doing. But I've never had the luxury of ignorance to simply assume all will go well. At the same time, I'm certainly not pessimistic, just trying to enjoy each day of this ride, for as long as I can. I feel so blessed to get this far and be feeling so good.
I feel a bit lost because some of the early symptoms like morning sickness don't seem to be as pronounced, but I'm not showing, I don't feel the baby move, and not much else has changed. I feel kind of stupid doing much else in the way of preparation. I have started clearing out all our art gear from one spare room to the office/guest room, thus creating space in what will eventually be a nursery. Hard to justify doing anything much more than spring cleaning, but at least that keeps me occupied. I also started looking into modern cloth nappies, not the white terry towelling squares we grew up with, but fitted ones. The costs look pretty good, especially since you can use them for later kids (if we were that lucky). And some of them fit from newborn (or shortly after) through to toddler. Then there is the whole environmental aspect.
I'll have some trouble convincing K of this however. He's dead keen on disposables, and they do have the advantage of convenience, so we might even use a combination.
And there I go getting ahead of myself.
I am spending more time training the dogs too. They're pretty good, but because they are just so big, I need to make sure they're used to different rules. Eclipse, well, he's a cat. And cats will be cats. He had a scare last week after leaping onto the flyscreen to catch a gecko....and going straight through. He ended up 3m up a palm tree with our two dogs leaping up to try and catch him. They're great with him as long as he doesn't start acting like a prey item or a possum.
And I finally bought a mobile phone. ALMOST made it to 31 without one. And still haven't gotten any calls on it, it really is just an emergency backup. I haven't bothered topping up the credit, as $10 might actually last me a month! I did have to text my husband to get him to put my mobile number in his contact list, the lazy bugger!
So some meditation, yoga and then attempt to sleep! 8 more sleeps until our first OB appointment. I have a handful of questions, but really don't know what I should be asking - apart from is the baby ok!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Post Christmas Recovery
So I overdid it leading up to Christmas. A couple of late-ish nights, a cold, then a tummy bug, and working every day in the 7 days before ..... I'm still recovering. Feeling a truckload better, thank heavens, but had to endure a SEVERE talking to by K, who stressed the importance of looking after myself, and how it was no longer just my body to abuse the way I wanted etc etc.
Ouch.
I'm still in trouble for not having spoken to my boss regarding the roster, but will do that chore this week. I've been brainstorming a few ideas to help take the load off a little. I don't even really know what I need, since I cope with a normal day fine, I guess I just don't have the luxury of being able to have late nights anymore. They really take their toll.
But I'm cutting back on the length of my days to keep K happy. Things might change when we get to the 2nd trimester, but in the meantime, especially until we get to talk to an OB, I guess its safer to be extra-cautious rather than risk anything. It is rather reassuring to have access to the work ultrasound all the time - I checked on the little prawn Christmas Eve, and its certainly getting bigger, and looking like a baby, rather than an alien creature. You could see the head, and the body all curled up, little heartbeat ticking away steadily. It helps me breathe a little easier.
Christmas was lovely and quiet. I felt pretty good Christmas morning, but awful for the rest of the day. We had roast lamb for dinner, with pavlova for dessert.....yummmm. If only I could have enjoyed it. Mum and Dad came up for 4 days, mostly ended up looking after me!
Kieran got his precious Rock Band instruments and game from Santa - I figure it will be the last year he really does get spoilt like this, so what the heck. He bought me some lovely marcasite jewellery. I used to have this beautiful marcasite flower brooch I loved, but lost it in NZ when we went for a friend's wedding. I never realised until a couple of months later :(
I also got Nigella's Christmas recipe's book - lots of new ones in there luckily! I'm still not sure if it was for me or so he could enjoy the benefits!
Ouch.
I'm still in trouble for not having spoken to my boss regarding the roster, but will do that chore this week. I've been brainstorming a few ideas to help take the load off a little. I don't even really know what I need, since I cope with a normal day fine, I guess I just don't have the luxury of being able to have late nights anymore. They really take their toll.
But I'm cutting back on the length of my days to keep K happy. Things might change when we get to the 2nd trimester, but in the meantime, especially until we get to talk to an OB, I guess its safer to be extra-cautious rather than risk anything. It is rather reassuring to have access to the work ultrasound all the time - I checked on the little prawn Christmas Eve, and its certainly getting bigger, and looking like a baby, rather than an alien creature. You could see the head, and the body all curled up, little heartbeat ticking away steadily. It helps me breathe a little easier.
Christmas was lovely and quiet. I felt pretty good Christmas morning, but awful for the rest of the day. We had roast lamb for dinner, with pavlova for dessert.....yummmm. If only I could have enjoyed it. Mum and Dad came up for 4 days, mostly ended up looking after me!
Kieran got his precious Rock Band instruments and game from Santa - I figure it will be the last year he really does get spoilt like this, so what the heck. He bought me some lovely marcasite jewellery. I used to have this beautiful marcasite flower brooch I loved, but lost it in NZ when we went for a friend's wedding. I never realised until a couple of months later :(
I also got Nigella's Christmas recipe's book - lots of new ones in there luckily! I'm still not sure if it was for me or so he could enjoy the benefits!
Monday, December 22, 2008
Merry Christmas!
Just a quick one, mostly so I can wish everyone a Merry Christmas before the day!!
I hope you all have a wonderful day, and that the new year ahead is filled with joy and peace.
I suppose some of you are also wanting a pregnancy update. Are you proud of me? I used the "p" word! We're 8 weeks today, and I checked on the little prawn yesterday at work with our ultrasound....still ticking away there, the heartbeat was nice and strong. Our first ultrasound was a whole 10 days ago now, and everything was right on track.
Right now I'm still recovering from one of those charming summer colds, and long days at work. Thank heavens its just "normal" hours and no really awful days. I need to talk to my boss about spreading my hours out and working fewer hours each day, just more days each week. 10 hours is my limit, so if it happens to be a bad day, I'm not going to cope well.
I digress.
I'll be thinking of you all over the holidays, please stay safe, drive safe if you must drive, and enjoy as much festive spirit as you're able!
May 2009 be a blessed one!
I hope you all have a wonderful day, and that the new year ahead is filled with joy and peace.
I suppose some of you are also wanting a pregnancy update. Are you proud of me? I used the "p" word! We're 8 weeks today, and I checked on the little prawn yesterday at work with our ultrasound....still ticking away there, the heartbeat was nice and strong. Our first ultrasound was a whole 10 days ago now, and everything was right on track.
Right now I'm still recovering from one of those charming summer colds, and long days at work. Thank heavens its just "normal" hours and no really awful days. I need to talk to my boss about spreading my hours out and working fewer hours each day, just more days each week. 10 hours is my limit, so if it happens to be a bad day, I'm not going to cope well.
I digress.
I'll be thinking of you all over the holidays, please stay safe, drive safe if you must drive, and enjoy as much festive spirit as you're able!
May 2009 be a blessed one!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Is it normal
Is it normal to feel guilty about my IF friends I'm "leaving behind" if this is a real and true pregnancy?
I feel so bad for them, remembering how I would be happy for them, but at the same time so destroyed for myself. There were only ever a handful I could feel completely and unreservedly happy for, with no "why not ME?" questions.
Is it normal to have had the initial rush of happiness and now feel surrounded by huge maybe's? Every time I find myself getting excited, or making mental plans, the "caution" sign flashes in my mind, reminding me nothing is concrete.
I feel like I'm in limbo, which is still infinitely better than BFN-despair. I don't feel confident enough to start getting attached to this pregnancy and (dare I say it) baby. If I'm not gagging and feeling ill constantly, I'm wondering if thats a bad sign, and maybe things aren't going well. I've never loved feeling ill so much.
And at the same time I'm trying not to over-think this.
I'm still trying to hold off telling anyone at work, but they're getting cluey. I think I might need to say something next week. Should I let them keep guessing and only tell them after the scan? I hate feeling like I'm deliberately keeping things from them, when they would be just so happy, but at the same time, I'm nervous about having to deal with their reactions if things don't go well.
So much for not overthinking things.
I feel so bad for them, remembering how I would be happy for them, but at the same time so destroyed for myself. There were only ever a handful I could feel completely and unreservedly happy for, with no "why not ME?" questions.
Is it normal to have had the initial rush of happiness and now feel surrounded by huge maybe's? Every time I find myself getting excited, or making mental plans, the "caution" sign flashes in my mind, reminding me nothing is concrete.
I feel like I'm in limbo, which is still infinitely better than BFN-despair. I don't feel confident enough to start getting attached to this pregnancy and (dare I say it) baby. If I'm not gagging and feeling ill constantly, I'm wondering if thats a bad sign, and maybe things aren't going well. I've never loved feeling ill so much.
And at the same time I'm trying not to over-think this.
I'm still trying to hold off telling anyone at work, but they're getting cluey. I think I might need to say something next week. Should I let them keep guessing and only tell them after the scan? I hate feeling like I'm deliberately keeping things from them, when they would be just so happy, but at the same time, I'm nervous about having to deal with their reactions if things don't go well.
So much for not overthinking things.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
So far, so good
Beta was in 2 days ago - 561 at 15dpo! Progesterone was 190 too! Even better - no more pessaries.
So I do have morning sickness, sore breasts, and even my masseuse noticed they are.....ummm bigger. There goes my dignity. Lucky I had none left anyway. And I'm used to it, since I hear childbirth involves very little dignity whatsoever.
Our first scan is on the 11th of Dec. 2 weeks today. Feeling pretty good, and nothing to do from here but rest, take it easy and cross fingers. I'm over the moon, but holding it in check, certainly no "unreserved excitement" like there was with the chemical pregnancy - cautiously optimistic best describes the mood at home. Neither of us are discussing the ugly what ifs, but also not making definitive plans, just kind of hopeful ones. Like - I might miss my 10 year university reunion with all my vet buddies if we get that far. I'd be due 3 weeks after the reunion, so it could be tricky getting to the venue, which is either a 16 hour drive, or 2 hour plane flight.
I've told my bosses, and they're unreservedly happy for us, so I figure everyone else will probably know very shortly. And if they're not told, I think they'll work it out in the next week when I gag every time a smoker walks in or a dog has diarrhoea. I need to learn to school my expressions better.
K has his "quit smoking" date for next saturday, he's been on champix, so we're hoping that will give him the edge, but if becoming a daddy doesn't provide enough motivation - I've no idea what will.
Now I'm off to bed - these hormones are messing with my head, and I can hardly keep my eyes open.
So I do have morning sickness, sore breasts, and even my masseuse noticed they are.....ummm bigger. There goes my dignity. Lucky I had none left anyway. And I'm used to it, since I hear childbirth involves very little dignity whatsoever.
Our first scan is on the 11th of Dec. 2 weeks today. Feeling pretty good, and nothing to do from here but rest, take it easy and cross fingers. I'm over the moon, but holding it in check, certainly no "unreserved excitement" like there was with the chemical pregnancy - cautiously optimistic best describes the mood at home. Neither of us are discussing the ugly what ifs, but also not making definitive plans, just kind of hopeful ones. Like - I might miss my 10 year university reunion with all my vet buddies if we get that far. I'd be due 3 weeks after the reunion, so it could be tricky getting to the venue, which is either a 16 hour drive, or 2 hour plane flight.
I've told my bosses, and they're unreservedly happy for us, so I figure everyone else will probably know very shortly. And if they're not told, I think they'll work it out in the next week when I gag every time a smoker walks in or a dog has diarrhoea. I need to learn to school my expressions better.
K has his "quit smoking" date for next saturday, he's been on champix, so we're hoping that will give him the edge, but if becoming a daddy doesn't provide enough motivation - I've no idea what will.
Now I'm off to bed - these hormones are messing with my head, and I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Ahhhhh, I caved. So shoot me. At least I have justification for getting beta out of the way tomorrow instead of when I'm at work Wednesday. Its not official until I see those rising beta's, however this confirms the symptoms of the last week. I'm going to be so nervous until there is a baby in my arms though. I'm scared to jinx this.....
Home at last
Well we arrived home from Sydney 6 days ago, I've been putting off the next post because it just seemed too daunting.As you see, Sir Salvador Sturgeonduck had a great time!
My E2 levels rose VERY nicely - 173, 1547, 4000, 11000! At our last scan, they thought we'd still need to stim a few days, but once they got the oestradiol numbers back - Hell no, you're going to retrieval on monday and we're dropping your dose of meds right down. By the way, we're worried about OHSS, so drink 3 litres of water each day too. Basically my FSH dose got progressively lower for the final 5 days of stims, and considering it was only 10 days of stimming in total - that's pretty darned good for me!
We also had an appointment with the specialist to discuss K's pathology resuts, and he thought it was worth doing a testicular biopsy to try and find us some sperm. Wow. Obviously no guarantees on embryo quality, but considering this was potentially one of our last cycles, we figured we'd 
pull out all the stops. The donor sperm was there as backup in case they couldn't get sperm on the day.
pull out all the stops. The donor sperm was there as backup in case they couldn't get sperm on the day.We retrieved 27 eggs.
Of those, 19 were mature and suitable for ICSI, and they found 19 sperm suitable to fertilise!
10 fertilised normally, and on day 5, we had two perfect AA blasts, and one AB (the inner cell mass that becomes the baby was graded A, the trophoderm that becomes the placenta was graded B). We transferred one AA, and froze the other two.
Kieran was feeling a little better by day5 - still pretty sore, but rather proud of himself and his embies! I found ER really easy, despite having produced a veritable truckload of eggs, recovered well, no signs of OHSS.
Beta is now only 2 days away, and its 14dpo. So I'm debating testing at home early - I have symptoms just like last time, but that ended as a chemical, so I'm scared to see two lines and have that dashed in 48h. At the same time, I'll be at work all day Wednesday, so its going to be torture! If I get lines, I can justify doing the test tomorrow!All in all, Sydney was a fruitful experience - we would never have gotten results like this with our old clinic, and never with Kieran's sperm. It was a big decision to go ahead with that rather than the donor. There were all the questions on whether a baby might have the same kind of problems as Kieran has had, and even though medicine has advanced considerably, its still a lot to go through, when it might not be necessary. But we felt we needed to tick all the boxes - the ability to give a child the certainty of where they came from was something we weighed against the possible health risks. It made for an interesting few days.
And we managed some sight seeing in Sydney. Sir Salvador had great fun visiting the Chinese Gardens at Darling Harbour, Centrepoint, the french patisserie around the corner from the hotel we stayed at, Hyde park, St Mary's. He's clocking up some frequent flyer points!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Vampires for Halloween
I had another blood draw today - E2 was 173, which is pretty good for d3 of stims. I've had cycles where it was lower on d5. My progesterone and LH are where they should be also, so looks like the low dose lucrin is doing the trick so far. At least I'm not oversuppressed.
So the plan:
Mon 3/11 - bloods and scan locally
Tue 4/11 - fly to Sydney, staying with a friend for a week, then in the city.
Wed 5/11 - bloods and scan in the city
Thurs 6/11 - appt with Dr P to discuss the TESE results and what they mean.
Then I'm just doing what I'm told. I imagine ER will be somewhere around the 11th or 12th, but its anyone's guess right now.
We'll probably just be doing donor this cycle, and make any other decisions on Kieran's "lads" later on. My research suggests some clinics don't like to do a TESE within 6 months of a previous TESE or previous perineal surgery. Which would count K out on both. I really don't know what this clinic's preference would be, but I'll be guided by what they say. I feel much more confident with them.
We had our sofa-bed ottoman delivered 2 days ago as well, so the spare room is much less cluttered, and we now have a great excuse to try and get rid of a whole heap of other stuff! I'd really like to move all the painting gear in here as well, but I don't know how that will work. We may just put the ottoman into the lounge room, but that won't happen before we get a new entertainment unit (downsizing) and sell the old one!
Meanwhile, I'm still working on my application, its a struggle getting selection criteria organised when you've never done it before. I do like a challenge.......(rolls eyes)
So the plan:
Mon 3/11 - bloods and scan locally
Tue 4/11 - fly to Sydney, staying with a friend for a week, then in the city.
Wed 5/11 - bloods and scan in the city
Thurs 6/11 - appt with Dr P to discuss the TESE results and what they mean.
Then I'm just doing what I'm told. I imagine ER will be somewhere around the 11th or 12th, but its anyone's guess right now.
We'll probably just be doing donor this cycle, and make any other decisions on Kieran's "lads" later on. My research suggests some clinics don't like to do a TESE within 6 months of a previous TESE or previous perineal surgery. Which would count K out on both. I really don't know what this clinic's preference would be, but I'll be guided by what they say. I feel much more confident with them.
We had our sofa-bed ottoman delivered 2 days ago as well, so the spare room is much less cluttered, and we now have a great excuse to try and get rid of a whole heap of other stuff! I'd really like to move all the painting gear in here as well, but I don't know how that will work. We may just put the ottoman into the lounge room, but that won't happen before we get a new entertainment unit (downsizing) and sell the old one!
Meanwhile, I'm still working on my application, its a struggle getting selection criteria organised when you've never done it before. I do like a challenge.......(rolls eyes)
Monday, October 27, 2008
Glitches
Its up, and its down. K and I had a LOOOOONG discussion over the previous few days about what to do with these new TESE results. We can't get an appointment to speak to our Dr until next week either, so I don't know that we'll have enough time to organise a TESE based on that. Sigh. And then there is the problem of knowing whether we'll have a good chance based on the histopath. Need more info.
K is also worried about the chance of all this being heritable too, which is hanging there like an axe waiting to fall.
So the plan is talk to our Dr next week when we're in Sydney, and if we can get K in for a TESE we will, if we can't, or Dr P doesn't think its going to give us a good chance (not just "a" chance, it needs to be a good chance, probabilities are important here), then we stick with the original sperm donor plan.
And because I'm working on "extracurricular" projects too, I've been getting very little done at home. K has smashed the way I addressed the selection criteria, so its back to square one and pay a bit more attention. Maybe tomorrow. I'm tired from all this thinking.
Good news is I get to start FSH on Wednesday night. My bloods today were all good, and results actually came through the same day!! Shock of shocks. So far, the 1/2 dose of lucrin is doing what it should, but then my ovaries are too lazy to do anything at this point in my cycle anyway.
Need to book flights to Sydney for the 4th, so we're there for a scan on the 5th. Then estimated ER somewhere between the 10th and 12th of Nov....its all happening now.
K is also worried about the chance of all this being heritable too, which is hanging there like an axe waiting to fall.
So the plan is talk to our Dr next week when we're in Sydney, and if we can get K in for a TESE we will, if we can't, or Dr P doesn't think its going to give us a good chance (not just "a" chance, it needs to be a good chance, probabilities are important here), then we stick with the original sperm donor plan.
And because I'm working on "extracurricular" projects too, I've been getting very little done at home. K has smashed the way I addressed the selection criteria, so its back to square one and pay a bit more attention. Maybe tomorrow. I'm tired from all this thinking.
Good news is I get to start FSH on Wednesday night. My bloods today were all good, and results actually came through the same day!! Shock of shocks. So far, the 1/2 dose of lucrin is doing what it should, but then my ovaries are too lazy to do anything at this point in my cycle anyway.
Need to book flights to Sydney for the 4th, so we're there for a scan on the 5th. Then estimated ER somewhere between the 10th and 12th of Nov....its all happening now.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The sun shines down....
Indeed, someone is smiling on us from above today.
Kieran got the pathology results from his TESE back today - he does not, I repeat, not, have Sertoli-cell only syndrome. There are good numbers of primary spermatocytes (baby baby sperm), progressing through to rare mature spermatids (almost grown up sperm). My, this is unexpected.
In my hasty research this evening, it looks like it could be hypospermatogenesis - so there are mature forms there, but they're rare as hen's teeth. Or, spermatogenic arrest, but that could still be managable, maybe just maybe.
So, with our donor sperm safely in Sydney, it may end up relegated to "understudy". My word, the thought of actually being able to have my husband's baby is just weird now. Perfectly, beautifully, gloriously weird. I'm excited, but still a little scared, in case IVF specialist says that our chances are still slim. Right now though, I've never been so happy another doctor was wrong.
The lotus I planted way back when seems to have introduced some lovely fertile vibes to our home. The fish are flourishing, and from 2 females, we've gone to dozens of small fry, since both were pregnant. Now I have to work out how to stop them from breeding. I'm hoping those baby vibes will rub off onto me and Kieran.
Oh, and Kieran is adjusting to his new life as a non-smoker now that "the boys" are probably going to be put to work. And the catheter came out today with no problems, but he's a little sore and sorry.
Its so nice to have something good to report.
Kieran got the pathology results from his TESE back today - he does not, I repeat, not, have Sertoli-cell only syndrome. There are good numbers of primary spermatocytes (baby baby sperm), progressing through to rare mature spermatids (almost grown up sperm). My, this is unexpected.
In my hasty research this evening, it looks like it could be hypospermatogenesis - so there are mature forms there, but they're rare as hen's teeth. Or, spermatogenic arrest, but that could still be managable, maybe just maybe.
So, with our donor sperm safely in Sydney, it may end up relegated to "understudy". My word, the thought of actually being able to have my husband's baby is just weird now. Perfectly, beautifully, gloriously weird. I'm excited, but still a little scared, in case IVF specialist says that our chances are still slim. Right now though, I've never been so happy another doctor was wrong.
The lotus I planted way back when seems to have introduced some lovely fertile vibes to our home. The fish are flourishing, and from 2 females, we've gone to dozens of small fry, since both were pregnant. Now I have to work out how to stop them from breeding. I'm hoping those baby vibes will rub off onto me and Kieran.
Oh, and Kieran is adjusting to his new life as a non-smoker now that "the boys" are probably going to be put to work. And the catheter came out today with no problems, but he's a little sore and sorry.
Its so nice to have something good to report.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thankfulness
Ok, after one of the women I know via IVF chat sites just had her 15 embryos accidentally destroyed rather than frozen - I'm feeling pretty thankful right now.
How you can make such a monumental blunder is escaping me right now. I would have thought before anything is destroyed its checked, double checked and then checked again. I'm horrified for her and feel ill thinking about it.
So I'm thanking my lucky stars that's never happened to me. I'm thankful that our sperm arrived safe in Sydney.
I'm especially thankful Kieran's surgery went well. The surgeon was pleased with the immediate result - you could "drive a train through his urethra" now, something my horrified husband politely declined, saying he'd rather not. He gets the catheter removed tomorrow, so tomorrow afternoon will be the real test, when he gets to test his brand new urethra out and have his first post-op wee!
Oh, don't complain about too much information.....this is an infertility blog, I have no dignity. And manners are beginning to come a close second.
I'm looking at a job with a uni.versity - its a lectur.er position, so I don't know I'd get it, but my current boss is keen to have me stay with them, and doesn't think the uni will get the cases or the staff. For once, it would be nice to have some support. My immediate boss is more supportive, and thinks it would probably suit me better, but still wants to keep me in some role.
I'm just sick of the negativity to be honest. I feel like I can't make the right decision no matter what I do.
I've never been one of those people who can bring light and joy in the midst of anything, and I feel battered and uninspired by work at the moment. I want to be re-invigorated. I want to feel excited about coming to work again.
This time, I think I'll go with my gut. My gut is telling me the uni would be great, even though it looks like there could be fallout. My head is saying there will be fallout, and I might not be cut out for it, or it might not be enough, but I could always go back to my old job later, right?
And after hearing about what I could earn as a specialist, I'm starting to consider a residency again..... but don't worry, I won't complicate matters further.
On the IVF front - we're off to Sydney in 2 weeks. I've started lucrin - just 1/2 dose, with the aim that it should supress me but not as much as previous cycles have done. Next bloods in a week, then if all good and quiet, start FSH around the 27th/28th of November.
It feels good to be back in a cycle. I really haven't thought it through to a conclusion yet - one hurdle at a time.
How you can make such a monumental blunder is escaping me right now. I would have thought before anything is destroyed its checked, double checked and then checked again. I'm horrified for her and feel ill thinking about it.
So I'm thanking my lucky stars that's never happened to me. I'm thankful that our sperm arrived safe in Sydney.
I'm especially thankful Kieran's surgery went well. The surgeon was pleased with the immediate result - you could "drive a train through his urethra" now, something my horrified husband politely declined, saying he'd rather not. He gets the catheter removed tomorrow, so tomorrow afternoon will be the real test, when he gets to test his brand new urethra out and have his first post-op wee!
Oh, don't complain about too much information.....this is an infertility blog, I have no dignity. And manners are beginning to come a close second.
I'm looking at a job with a uni.versity - its a lectur.er position, so I don't know I'd get it, but my current boss is keen to have me stay with them, and doesn't think the uni will get the cases or the staff. For once, it would be nice to have some support. My immediate boss is more supportive, and thinks it would probably suit me better, but still wants to keep me in some role.
I'm just sick of the negativity to be honest. I feel like I can't make the right decision no matter what I do.
I've never been one of those people who can bring light and joy in the midst of anything, and I feel battered and uninspired by work at the moment. I want to be re-invigorated. I want to feel excited about coming to work again.
This time, I think I'll go with my gut. My gut is telling me the uni would be great, even though it looks like there could be fallout. My head is saying there will be fallout, and I might not be cut out for it, or it might not be enough, but I could always go back to my old job later, right?
And after hearing about what I could earn as a specialist, I'm starting to consider a residency again..... but don't worry, I won't complicate matters further.
On the IVF front - we're off to Sydney in 2 weeks. I've started lucrin - just 1/2 dose, with the aim that it should supress me but not as much as previous cycles have done. Next bloods in a week, then if all good and quiet, start FSH around the 27th/28th of November.
It feels good to be back in a cycle. I really haven't thought it through to a conclusion yet - one hurdle at a time.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Letter to Santa
I wrote this for one of the forums I'm on, and asked everyone else to sign their name
Dear Santa,
We're getting in early this year, to give you a little time to prepare. We know special requests sometimes take a bit longer to organise, so we thought we'd give you a little extra notice. We also understand if you can't quite manage it in time for this year, so if we have to wait a little while, we'll be sad this year, but we'll understand.
For longer than we care to remember, we've wanted to be mothers. To nurture a life, care for it and watch another person develop and grow. We have so much love to give, that even though most of us have found wonderful partners, we want to make our families complete with children.
We find Christmas hard. For those who are religious, its all about the birth of a baby, and for those who aren't, its still a time about children and family, of love and giving. We long to share the joy and spirit of Christmas with children of our own, to tell them all about Santa, leave carrots for reindeer (or maybe those 6 white boomers) and a door unlocked, since we don't have a chimney for you to come down. To see little faces eager and excited.
We want to share the magic of this time of year with a new generation.
We ask that those who are pregnant are granted a safe delivery. For those who are struggling with premmies, may they come home safely. We know that it will be tough journey for them, and it might be a little while before they will be safe at home, but a little stardust goes a long way.
Some of us have lost much, and need to be at peace with that loss. So for those of us who have grief in our hearts, if you could bring us peace, that would be a gift in itself.
And for those who are adding to their families in extra special ways by adopting or fostering, let the children who were born in their hearts long ago find their way to their new homes quickly.
For those of us still struggling with trying to fall pregnant, we ask you for that long awaited BFP for Christmas, and for a safe, healthy pregnancy and delivery of our precious Christmas gifts. We know they won't be in our arms this Christmas, but they will be in our hearts, just like they have been for so many Christmases before.
Thankyou Santa
Love,
Tricia
Dear Santa,
We're getting in early this year, to give you a little time to prepare. We know special requests sometimes take a bit longer to organise, so we thought we'd give you a little extra notice. We also understand if you can't quite manage it in time for this year, so if we have to wait a little while, we'll be sad this year, but we'll understand.
For longer than we care to remember, we've wanted to be mothers. To nurture a life, care for it and watch another person develop and grow. We have so much love to give, that even though most of us have found wonderful partners, we want to make our families complete with children.
We find Christmas hard. For those who are religious, its all about the birth of a baby, and for those who aren't, its still a time about children and family, of love and giving. We long to share the joy and spirit of Christmas with children of our own, to tell them all about Santa, leave carrots for reindeer (or maybe those 6 white boomers) and a door unlocked, since we don't have a chimney for you to come down. To see little faces eager and excited.
We want to share the magic of this time of year with a new generation.
We ask that those who are pregnant are granted a safe delivery. For those who are struggling with premmies, may they come home safely. We know that it will be tough journey for them, and it might be a little while before they will be safe at home, but a little stardust goes a long way.
Some of us have lost much, and need to be at peace with that loss. So for those of us who have grief in our hearts, if you could bring us peace, that would be a gift in itself.
And for those who are adding to their families in extra special ways by adopting or fostering, let the children who were born in their hearts long ago find their way to their new homes quickly.
For those of us still struggling with trying to fall pregnant, we ask you for that long awaited BFP for Christmas, and for a safe, healthy pregnancy and delivery of our precious Christmas gifts. We know they won't be in our arms this Christmas, but they will be in our hearts, just like they have been for so many Christmases before.
Thankyou Santa
Love,
Tricia
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Justly berated for leaving you hanging ;) .....I finally have good news to report. Our spermies are go - I repeat, spermies are go. Destination Sydney, ETA tuesday/wed next week. Yippededoodah!
I haven't had the heart to post until we got all that sorted. Its been a rough couple of weeks, chasing our tails and our clinics, calling the US sperm bank etc etc. If Old Clinic had just sent the info they had on file when we, and New Clinic requested it, NONE of this needed to happen. Stupidheads.
The DS was purchased through old clinic (OC), was from an o/s donor, so not depleting their stocks. Oh, did I mention they lost a vial in transit from one clinic to another? It was replaced with one they had in stock, but no-one took responsibilty - hence we travelled 1400km to our embryos to do the FET.
So we did the release paperwork at the clinic where the sperm is being held.
We signed the consent forms for the new clinic.
We were then asked to get copies of donor consent forms, blood tests etc to NC, from OC.
2 messages later, left fax # for NC, but donor co-ordinator never got back to us for me to be able to detail what NC required.
Called NC.
No, they haven't received required paperwork yet.
This is where the "he said-she said starts". OC claim they weren't told exactly what was necessary.
NC claims their scientist emailed requirements to OC.
OC called back and advised the scientists from OC and NC were sorting things out, the hold up was with NC.
THEN, the head scientist calls about 20 minutes later, to tell me that NC is the problem, they were given all the info that OC had (no, they only told NC what they didn't have), that NC were currently reviewing it (load of BS) and that NC had to make further enquiries. I explained the situation as I understood it, that NC needed actual copies of lab tests, letters and consent forms, not just profile information and assumed clearance. At this point, head scientist launches into how its taken them hours to get the information they have sent so far, that I shouldn't be involved at all, they normally ONLY deal with other clinics about this stuff, and how there is nothing in it for them. I think the last comment probably sums up their attitude the best. I explained that I appreciated that it has taken time, but we were asked by NC to get this information, and that I had the specifics and could provide them, and that no-one at NC had previously said they would make sure the correct information was sent, or that NC would handle everything. That was in fact the reason I had called last week, and to find out if they did have access to it (because we were told they'd have to look for it). Reason being, if they didn't I would have to contact the sperm bank directly.
Subject was changed by head scientist, and he didn't ONCE say, yes please, here's my email/fax, send that through so we have the details. He also told me that speaking to the nurse earlier today was a total waste of time as she had nothing to do with it. I told him it wasn't, and she had actually tried to get the donor co-ordinator for me, but was unable, but said she would track her down in person to call me back since I hadn't been called back last week. And since the donor-coord had called me back, I actually considered it quite helpful.
It was like pulling teeth every time I called him on something and wanted details, and I was NOT nasty at all. I can be, but I was very polite. And every time I asked for more details or tried explaining why we had called etc etc, he just shut down and gave blunt "thats not how we do things" answers. The answers we were getting the whole way were "thats up to them to organise". Blunt and dissinterested. But "they can't call us with every new development". I get that "there is nothing in it for them". And those are direct quotes by the way, no paraphrasing involved.
I was basically told they wanted nothing more to do with us and would no longer return our phone calls.
I get that they imported the sperm originally. I get that they might be a little put out that we've decided to switch clinics. But we've done 5 cycles with them, have had to endure screw ups, and this was not a decision we undertook lightly, we just felt the Dr at NC was better equipped to manage my cycle, and had better success rates. So now we're punished for it. I mean, the entire conversation with the head scientist could have been much more positive if he wasn't stupidly arrogant and blunt about it all and telling me to keep out.
NC disputes much of what OC claimed. Oh. joy.
I advised I would be able to get no further with OC, and that OC advised me they would only deal with NC. Was asked to try to get required documents directly from sperm bank, who I immediately emailed.
So. Still no joy and nothing recieved by NC a week later, no response by email from sperm bank. I called the satellite clinic locally, that still holds the sperm and asked who I could go to since Brisbane had shut me down and basically said they wouldn't return my phone calls. The didn't want to get involved, but about 15 minutes after the conversation called me back (I think it might have had something to do with me asking who could actually be my advocate...). They'd spoken to the head scientist, and could I fax through the requirements. Now, that indicates a number of things to me:
1. Scientist didn't listen when I told him I had the requirements in front of me the week before and was happy to provide them to the clinic. I guess thats why he's in the lab and not dealing with patients.
2. NO-ONE had ever sent any of the paperwork to NC that they had on file
3. He isn't able to rely on any of his staff to do either of the above anyway.
4. He doesn't bother to get the story straight from all of HIS people before berating me for chasing them.
I mean, if they had just sent on what they had, when initially asked, I wouldn't have continued bugging them!
So they emailed me the blood tests and donor profile, and said they had the informed consent on file (didn't forward to NC as requested). I then requested that this be specifically forwarded to NC, and Oh my God, the fact that I had to dog them every step of the way drives me insane.
There were still a couple of details on the list that OC couldn't provide information for, however. After contacting the US sperm bank to try and get additional details, I was told they'd have to check with the clinic they supply in NSW, since they have an exclusive agreement to supply sperm to only that clinic in that state. AAAAAARRGGH
I understand why, but it meant they weren't able to release further information to OUR clinic in NSW! Kieran called the other clinic, and they were no more helpful - no, they wouldn't make an exception basically. So it looked like we wouldn't be able to use our donor at the new clinic, would have to go on their waiting list and hope something came up in the next 6-12 months.
I felt sick at the thought. Waiting 12 months between cycles until another "shot" at a donor came up???
So we contacted our clinic to let them know, and see if there was a chance the paperwork had been received, and might, just might, be adequate. They're happy to organise the shipping of the spermies. The paperwork they need is in order, we don't need to organise anything else, and we're on for a november cycle!!!The ups and downs have been awful, because I already felt like we'd worked so hard to get to this point, so to feel like we couldn't use our donor was a huge blow. I know there are bigger things to worry about, but geez it was a rough day yesterday!
Top that off with euthanasing a pregnant cat and speying a pregnant dog and I only ended up in tears twice. Not bad, considering.
Oh yeah, work still really sucks.
And its only a week until Kieran has his second urethroplasty. Fingers crossed this one works without any problems. And we're getting testicular histopath done to see if there is maybe a lone sperm somewhere. Since there was only cytology done in 2005.
Dogs are good, trying to clean and purge the house - belated spring cleaning. I could go NUTS, but Kieran won't let me :(
I want the spare room cleaned out and all the painting stuff moved into the office/guest room before the IVF. Making space for a successful IVF. My mother is convinced this one will work for some reason. She actually asked me about who I'd have deliver the not-yet-conceived munchkin. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my roster and who can work saturdays for me so I can get to sydney for the treatment....but I did answer her question. *sigh* Is it wishful thinking, blind hope, positive thinking? Or just setting oneself up for a fall?
This time, I'm not even trying. If I want a glass of wine before transfer, I'll have it thankyou.....right up to the rim please. And if I'm having a bad day, I'll just wallow for a few hours and have a bad day. Stuff the positive thinking, pretty flowery, girly pleasantness. I'll do what I need to stay sane.
But I will be taking my snowdrop everywhere. Do you think I could sneak it into theatre for egg retrieval?
I haven't had the heart to post until we got all that sorted. Its been a rough couple of weeks, chasing our tails and our clinics, calling the US sperm bank etc etc. If Old Clinic had just sent the info they had on file when we, and New Clinic requested it, NONE of this needed to happen. Stupidheads.
The DS was purchased through old clinic (OC), was from an o/s donor, so not depleting their stocks. Oh, did I mention they lost a vial in transit from one clinic to another? It was replaced with one they had in stock, but no-one took responsibilty - hence we travelled 1400km to our embryos to do the FET.
So we did the release paperwork at the clinic where the sperm is being held.
We signed the consent forms for the new clinic.
We were then asked to get copies of donor consent forms, blood tests etc to NC, from OC.
2 messages later, left fax # for NC, but donor co-ordinator never got back to us for me to be able to detail what NC required.
Called NC.
No, they haven't received required paperwork yet.
This is where the "he said-she said starts". OC claim they weren't told exactly what was necessary.
NC claims their scientist emailed requirements to OC.
OC called back and advised the scientists from OC and NC were sorting things out, the hold up was with NC.
THEN, the head scientist calls about 20 minutes later, to tell me that NC is the problem, they were given all the info that OC had (no, they only told NC what they didn't have), that NC were currently reviewing it (load of BS) and that NC had to make further enquiries. I explained the situation as I understood it, that NC needed actual copies of lab tests, letters and consent forms, not just profile information and assumed clearance. At this point, head scientist launches into how its taken them hours to get the information they have sent so far, that I shouldn't be involved at all, they normally ONLY deal with other clinics about this stuff, and how there is nothing in it for them. I think the last comment probably sums up their attitude the best. I explained that I appreciated that it has taken time, but we were asked by NC to get this information, and that I had the specifics and could provide them, and that no-one at NC had previously said they would make sure the correct information was sent, or that NC would handle everything. That was in fact the reason I had called last week, and to find out if they did have access to it (because we were told they'd have to look for it). Reason being, if they didn't I would have to contact the sperm bank directly.
Subject was changed by head scientist, and he didn't ONCE say, yes please, here's my email/fax, send that through so we have the details. He also told me that speaking to the nurse earlier today was a total waste of time as she had nothing to do with it. I told him it wasn't, and she had actually tried to get the donor co-ordinator for me, but was unable, but said she would track her down in person to call me back since I hadn't been called back last week. And since the donor-coord had called me back, I actually considered it quite helpful.
It was like pulling teeth every time I called him on something and wanted details, and I was NOT nasty at all. I can be, but I was very polite. And every time I asked for more details or tried explaining why we had called etc etc, he just shut down and gave blunt "thats not how we do things" answers. The answers we were getting the whole way were "thats up to them to organise". Blunt and dissinterested. But "they can't call us with every new development". I get that "there is nothing in it for them". And those are direct quotes by the way, no paraphrasing involved.
I was basically told they wanted nothing more to do with us and would no longer return our phone calls.
I get that they imported the sperm originally. I get that they might be a little put out that we've decided to switch clinics. But we've done 5 cycles with them, have had to endure screw ups, and this was not a decision we undertook lightly, we just felt the Dr at NC was better equipped to manage my cycle, and had better success rates. So now we're punished for it. I mean, the entire conversation with the head scientist could have been much more positive if he wasn't stupidly arrogant and blunt about it all and telling me to keep out.
NC disputes much of what OC claimed. Oh. joy.
I advised I would be able to get no further with OC, and that OC advised me they would only deal with NC. Was asked to try to get required documents directly from sperm bank, who I immediately emailed.
So. Still no joy and nothing recieved by NC a week later, no response by email from sperm bank. I called the satellite clinic locally, that still holds the sperm and asked who I could go to since Brisbane had shut me down and basically said they wouldn't return my phone calls. The didn't want to get involved, but about 15 minutes after the conversation called me back (I think it might have had something to do with me asking who could actually be my advocate...). They'd spoken to the head scientist, and could I fax through the requirements. Now, that indicates a number of things to me:
1. Scientist didn't listen when I told him I had the requirements in front of me the week before and was happy to provide them to the clinic. I guess thats why he's in the lab and not dealing with patients.
2. NO-ONE had ever sent any of the paperwork to NC that they had on file
3. He isn't able to rely on any of his staff to do either of the above anyway.
4. He doesn't bother to get the story straight from all of HIS people before berating me for chasing them.
I mean, if they had just sent on what they had, when initially asked, I wouldn't have continued bugging them!
So they emailed me the blood tests and donor profile, and said they had the informed consent on file (didn't forward to NC as requested). I then requested that this be specifically forwarded to NC, and Oh my God, the fact that I had to dog them every step of the way drives me insane.
There were still a couple of details on the list that OC couldn't provide information for, however. After contacting the US sperm bank to try and get additional details, I was told they'd have to check with the clinic they supply in NSW, since they have an exclusive agreement to supply sperm to only that clinic in that state. AAAAAARRGGH
I understand why, but it meant they weren't able to release further information to OUR clinic in NSW! Kieran called the other clinic, and they were no more helpful - no, they wouldn't make an exception basically. So it looked like we wouldn't be able to use our donor at the new clinic, would have to go on their waiting list and hope something came up in the next 6-12 months.
I felt sick at the thought. Waiting 12 months between cycles until another "shot" at a donor came up???
So we contacted our clinic to let them know, and see if there was a chance the paperwork had been received, and might, just might, be adequate. They're happy to organise the shipping of the spermies. The paperwork they need is in order, we don't need to organise anything else, and we're on for a november cycle!!!The ups and downs have been awful, because I already felt like we'd worked so hard to get to this point, so to feel like we couldn't use our donor was a huge blow. I know there are bigger things to worry about, but geez it was a rough day yesterday!
Top that off with euthanasing a pregnant cat and speying a pregnant dog and I only ended up in tears twice. Not bad, considering.
Oh yeah, work still really sucks.
And its only a week until Kieran has his second urethroplasty. Fingers crossed this one works without any problems. And we're getting testicular histopath done to see if there is maybe a lone sperm somewhere. Since there was only cytology done in 2005.
Dogs are good, trying to clean and purge the house - belated spring cleaning. I could go NUTS, but Kieran won't let me :(
I want the spare room cleaned out and all the painting stuff moved into the office/guest room before the IVF. Making space for a successful IVF. My mother is convinced this one will work for some reason. She actually asked me about who I'd have deliver the not-yet-conceived munchkin. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my roster and who can work saturdays for me so I can get to sydney for the treatment....but I did answer her question. *sigh* Is it wishful thinking, blind hope, positive thinking? Or just setting oneself up for a fall?
This time, I'm not even trying. If I want a glass of wine before transfer, I'll have it thankyou.....right up to the rim please. And if I'm having a bad day, I'll just wallow for a few hours and have a bad day. Stuff the positive thinking, pretty flowery, girly pleasantness. I'll do what I need to stay sane.
But I will be taking my snowdrop everywhere. Do you think I could sneak it into theatre for egg retrieval?
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
To do list...
1. Send consent forms to New Clinic - tick.
2. Organise transfer paperwork from old clinic - going in to sign this tomorrow.
3. Organise NC to get the sperm down to them - reliant on #2
4. Get old clinic to fax donor consent form and relevant testing paperwork to NC
5. Get counsellor here to fax her records to NC
Probably about 4 million other details to organise as well.
The ball is rolling. I just hope my ovaries wait a few days to ovulate, to give us just a little more time.
So its busy busy busy for now. Thankfully Kieran is great at most of this stuff, and makes a lot of the phone calls too.
2. Organise transfer paperwork from old clinic - going in to sign this tomorrow.
3. Organise NC to get the sperm down to them - reliant on #2
4. Get old clinic to fax donor consent form and relevant testing paperwork to NC
5. Get counsellor here to fax her records to NC
Probably about 4 million other details to organise as well.
The ball is rolling. I just hope my ovaries wait a few days to ovulate, to give us just a little more time.
So its busy busy busy for now. Thankfully Kieran is great at most of this stuff, and makes a lot of the phone calls too.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dear God, its me....confused.
I just don't know what the universe is playing at this week. 2 weeks ago, I saw my ideal job advertised. Only its 1400km away, back in Brisbane, therefore involves moving. And I have no idea how responsive they would be to IVF and maternity leave. Oh, I know all employers have to give you maternity leave, but how much fun would it be going to start a new job, only to leave it for 6-8 months and go back part time when you're not really contributing the same way?
Or take this wonderful job and not be able to really dedicate the time to it to get the most out of it?
Most of all, I feel kind of cheated. I grew up part of the generation who was told they could have it all. We COULD have a career. And do you know what? We were raised to believe we could. In part by our parents, in part by our teachers, and also in part by the media. We railed against the "stay at home Mum" stereotype. We almost felt a responsibility to be part of the workforce and contribute to society. I still do.
So when it comes down to possible career advancement, when you're trying to have a baby, there are no nice little guides or maps to help you make decisions. Society is strangely quiet until you make a decision, at which point I feel like I'll be told its wrong.
We were taught as women we could do anything, our gender should not hold us back. We are equal. Only, it turns out, while you might be able to do anything, you sure can't do everything. That's a nice little clause no-one mentioned. I've come to this realisation over the last few years, but only recently has it really hit home. I dedicated the last 4 years to trying to get pregnant. And put everything to do with career advancement on hold. Because having a baby was so much more important. But 4 years later, my arms are still empty, my heart is tired and my head is finding it hard to see a way out of all this. I feel like the proverbial carrot is being dangled in front of my nose, just out of reach. Only there are 2 carrots, and I can only choose one of them, without knowing if the other one will ever be offered again.
If I knew that IVF would work, and that I could make it through the process whole - that would be ok. I could accept missed career opportunities and move on to the next phase of my life and my family. Only no-one can tell us IVF will work for sure.
If I knew that I wouldn't be content or happy in the job, or that it would place a burden on my marriage, or my mental health, then I could pass it up without regrets.
But I have no answers to the questions I so desperately want answered. Only more questions.
And do you know what? I'm ticked off that I did everything RIGHT for heavens sakes. I found a wonderful man, married him, found a stable job and bought a house. We didn't leave it too long to start trying for a family, I was 26 - that should have given us a decent head start. And yet we're still 4 years down the track, and I feel cheated. Its not fair that men don't have to make the career/family decision. They need to balance it, but rarely does anyone expect them to actually make a choice of family over career. I know its probably just because I'm frustrated right now, and its clouding my perception, because there are men out there who do quit high pressure or high workload jobs in favour of their family.
I also don't want my children raised by strangers, or brought up in daycare. Maybe a day or two a week in daycare, but I wouldn't be happy with more than that. Kieran is happy to be a stay at home Dad, but he earns more than me right now, so financially we're better with him working.
To complicate matters further, we spoke to the counsellor at the new clinic, and we'll only have a limited amount of time to actually use the imported sperm we have, due to legislation about to be enacted in that state. The legislation has passed parliament, and is just waiting for the Governer's signature basically, so it might be an issue tomorrow, might be an issue in 6 months. If its an issue tomorrow, then we'll either have to go on the donor wait list, or find our own donor. We may have a KD sourced, but they're expecting their second baby, so any big decisions are not a great idea for them right now. So thats a huge maybe.
So, right now, just very confused. There is more to the story, but details later....
Or take this wonderful job and not be able to really dedicate the time to it to get the most out of it?
Most of all, I feel kind of cheated. I grew up part of the generation who was told they could have it all. We COULD have a career. And do you know what? We were raised to believe we could. In part by our parents, in part by our teachers, and also in part by the media. We railed against the "stay at home Mum" stereotype. We almost felt a responsibility to be part of the workforce and contribute to society. I still do.
So when it comes down to possible career advancement, when you're trying to have a baby, there are no nice little guides or maps to help you make decisions. Society is strangely quiet until you make a decision, at which point I feel like I'll be told its wrong.
We were taught as women we could do anything, our gender should not hold us back. We are equal. Only, it turns out, while you might be able to do anything, you sure can't do everything. That's a nice little clause no-one mentioned. I've come to this realisation over the last few years, but only recently has it really hit home. I dedicated the last 4 years to trying to get pregnant. And put everything to do with career advancement on hold. Because having a baby was so much more important. But 4 years later, my arms are still empty, my heart is tired and my head is finding it hard to see a way out of all this. I feel like the proverbial carrot is being dangled in front of my nose, just out of reach. Only there are 2 carrots, and I can only choose one of them, without knowing if the other one will ever be offered again.
If I knew that IVF would work, and that I could make it through the process whole - that would be ok. I could accept missed career opportunities and move on to the next phase of my life and my family. Only no-one can tell us IVF will work for sure.
If I knew that I wouldn't be content or happy in the job, or that it would place a burden on my marriage, or my mental health, then I could pass it up without regrets.
But I have no answers to the questions I so desperately want answered. Only more questions.
And do you know what? I'm ticked off that I did everything RIGHT for heavens sakes. I found a wonderful man, married him, found a stable job and bought a house. We didn't leave it too long to start trying for a family, I was 26 - that should have given us a decent head start. And yet we're still 4 years down the track, and I feel cheated. Its not fair that men don't have to make the career/family decision. They need to balance it, but rarely does anyone expect them to actually make a choice of family over career. I know its probably just because I'm frustrated right now, and its clouding my perception, because there are men out there who do quit high pressure or high workload jobs in favour of their family.
I also don't want my children raised by strangers, or brought up in daycare. Maybe a day or two a week in daycare, but I wouldn't be happy with more than that. Kieran is happy to be a stay at home Dad, but he earns more than me right now, so financially we're better with him working.
To complicate matters further, we spoke to the counsellor at the new clinic, and we'll only have a limited amount of time to actually use the imported sperm we have, due to legislation about to be enacted in that state. The legislation has passed parliament, and is just waiting for the Governer's signature basically, so it might be an issue tomorrow, might be an issue in 6 months. If its an issue tomorrow, then we'll either have to go on the donor wait list, or find our own donor. We may have a KD sourced, but they're expecting their second baby, so any big decisions are not a great idea for them right now. So thats a huge maybe.
So, right now, just very confused. There is more to the story, but details later....
Friday, September 5, 2008
Free at last!
I finally handed in my final draft of the two acupuncture case studies! WOOHHOOOO! Still have to get them ok'd for final submission, but for now, I'm just happy they're in, and I don't have to feel guilty for not spending enough time on them!
So my "to do" list now involves going home to spend time with my folks for a few days, timed well since its father's day in 2 days. I also need to buy a knife set, order in a sofa-bed, work out what to do with the old sofa bed, decide whether to get a new entertainment unit, and then spring clean the house. I'm also making some toys for the dogs (sick of spending $10-15 on each one to have them torn apart in 4 hours), and trying to locate the material I cut up to make an Easter Bunny for my Mum. Yes. Last Easter. I'm actually quite ticked off that I can't find it, since its nice and funky and all ready to sew.
I'm still taking my chinese herbal mud, and I do believe its actually helping. I guess I'll find out for sure in the next week or so - its weird to be taking my temperature again, but its the best clue whether my cycles are normal or not.
I can't wait to get going on our next IVF, I feel like we finally have some clues in the puzzle, and I can actually be hopeful again. We'll probably put it on hold a little while though, since Kieran will be having surgery around November. He's going in for another urethroplasty, trying to sort out the stricture that he has. We're hoping his renal function might improve after the surgery again. Not much, but even just a little bit is great.
So we won't do an IVF until Kieran is recovered, probably January. I should just put in for holidays now and be done with it. I've sorted all the donor stuff - our donor will meet the criteria for the new clinic. Kieran is also thinking about having the TESA done again - the urologist suggested doing it while he was under for the plasty. We could freeze some, and send some for histo to get a definitive answer. The only problem is the whole ugly issue of "what if?".
What if there is nothing? Well, we're just back where we were. I think we're both ok with that.
What if they get something? Thats a scary question. Mostly because it just raises a whole heap of other questions - will they be useable, will they fertilise, will they develop into normal embryo's, will kids from the process have similar problems to Kieran? And then, if we go through IVF again and it doesn't work......do we blame the sperm? Or is it still crappy eggs on my behalf?
It would be a lot simpler if they found nothing again. I can't even begin to hope that we might get something and might actually be able to have a baby that way. The thought is too scary, because I don't know how I'd handle all of the other questions, or the disappointment. I just want to be a mother, and I want to make Kieran a Dad. Part of me doesn't want to go back to non-donor options. Maybe its impatience, maybe its just fear. I daren't hope.
Ah - hope. I was reading a blog about hope earlier this week - it was so very true. About how the raging hope going into an IVF cycle can be so destructive when the cycle doesn't work. And how what she really hopes, in a quiet, still voice, is that she will be ok, no matter what. All paraphrased, and much less eloquent than her post, but that's the general gist.
I will survive, and I will be ok. Whatever happens, is meant to happen. One foot in front of the other.
So my "to do" list now involves going home to spend time with my folks for a few days, timed well since its father's day in 2 days. I also need to buy a knife set, order in a sofa-bed, work out what to do with the old sofa bed, decide whether to get a new entertainment unit, and then spring clean the house. I'm also making some toys for the dogs (sick of spending $10-15 on each one to have them torn apart in 4 hours), and trying to locate the material I cut up to make an Easter Bunny for my Mum. Yes. Last Easter. I'm actually quite ticked off that I can't find it, since its nice and funky and all ready to sew.
I'm still taking my chinese herbal mud, and I do believe its actually helping. I guess I'll find out for sure in the next week or so - its weird to be taking my temperature again, but its the best clue whether my cycles are normal or not.
I can't wait to get going on our next IVF, I feel like we finally have some clues in the puzzle, and I can actually be hopeful again. We'll probably put it on hold a little while though, since Kieran will be having surgery around November. He's going in for another urethroplasty, trying to sort out the stricture that he has. We're hoping his renal function might improve after the surgery again. Not much, but even just a little bit is great.
So we won't do an IVF until Kieran is recovered, probably January. I should just put in for holidays now and be done with it. I've sorted all the donor stuff - our donor will meet the criteria for the new clinic. Kieran is also thinking about having the TESA done again - the urologist suggested doing it while he was under for the plasty. We could freeze some, and send some for histo to get a definitive answer. The only problem is the whole ugly issue of "what if?".
What if there is nothing? Well, we're just back where we were. I think we're both ok with that.
What if they get something? Thats a scary question. Mostly because it just raises a whole heap of other questions - will they be useable, will they fertilise, will they develop into normal embryo's, will kids from the process have similar problems to Kieran? And then, if we go through IVF again and it doesn't work......do we blame the sperm? Or is it still crappy eggs on my behalf?
It would be a lot simpler if they found nothing again. I can't even begin to hope that we might get something and might actually be able to have a baby that way. The thought is too scary, because I don't know how I'd handle all of the other questions, or the disappointment. I just want to be a mother, and I want to make Kieran a Dad. Part of me doesn't want to go back to non-donor options. Maybe its impatience, maybe its just fear. I daren't hope.
Ah - hope. I was reading a blog about hope earlier this week - it was so very true. About how the raging hope going into an IVF cycle can be so destructive when the cycle doesn't work. And how what she really hopes, in a quiet, still voice, is that she will be ok, no matter what. All paraphrased, and much less eloquent than her post, but that's the general gist.
I will survive, and I will be ok. Whatever happens, is meant to happen. One foot in front of the other.
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