Free at last!

I finally handed in my final draft of the two acupuncture case studies! WOOHHOOOO! Still have to get them ok'd for final submission, but for now, I'm just happy they're in, and I don't have to feel guilty for not spending enough time on them!

So my "to do" list now involves going home to spend time with my folks for a few days, timed well since its father's day in 2 days. I also need to buy a knife set, order in a sofa-bed, work out what to do with the old sofa bed, decide whether to get a new entertainment unit, and then spring clean the house. I'm also making some toys for the dogs (sick of spending $10-15 on each one to have them torn apart in 4 hours), and trying to locate the material I cut up to make an Easter Bunny for my Mum. Yes. Last Easter. I'm actually quite ticked off that I can't find it, since its nice and funky and all ready to sew.

I'm still taking my chinese herbal mud, and I do believe its actually helping. I guess I'll find out for sure in the next week or so - its weird to be taking my temperature again, but its the best clue whether my cycles are normal or not.

I can't wait to get going on our next IVF, I feel like we finally have some clues in the puzzle, and I can actually be hopeful again. We'll probably put it on hold a little while though, since Kieran will be having surgery around November. He's going in for another urethroplasty, trying to sort out the stricture that he has. We're hoping his renal function might improve after the surgery again. Not much, but even just a little bit is great.

So we won't do an IVF until Kieran is recovered, probably January. I should just put in for holidays now and be done with it. I've sorted all the donor stuff - our donor will meet the criteria for the new clinic. Kieran is also thinking about having the TESA done again - the urologist suggested doing it while he was under for the plasty. We could freeze some, and send some for histo to get a definitive answer. The only problem is the whole ugly issue of "what if?".
What if there is nothing? Well, we're just back where we were. I think we're both ok with that.
What if they get something? Thats a scary question. Mostly because it just raises a whole heap of other questions - will they be useable, will they fertilise, will they develop into normal embryo's, will kids from the process have similar problems to Kieran? And then, if we go through IVF again and it doesn't work......do we blame the sperm? Or is it still crappy eggs on my behalf?

It would be a lot simpler if they found nothing again. I can't even begin to hope that we might get something and might actually be able to have a baby that way. The thought is too scary, because I don't know how I'd handle all of the other questions, or the disappointment. I just want to be a mother, and I want to make Kieran a Dad. Part of me doesn't want to go back to non-donor options. Maybe its impatience, maybe its just fear. I daren't hope.

Ah - hope. I was reading a blog about hope earlier this week - it was so very true. About how the raging hope going into an IVF cycle can be so destructive when the cycle doesn't work. And how what she really hopes, in a quiet, still voice, is that she will be ok, no matter what. All paraphrased, and much less eloquent than her post, but that's the general gist.

I will survive, and I will be ok. Whatever happens, is meant to happen. One foot in front of the other.