Dear God, its me....confused.

I just don't know what the universe is playing at this week. 2 weeks ago, I saw my ideal job advertised. Only its 1400km away, back in Brisbane, therefore involves moving. And I have no idea how responsive they would be to IVF and maternity leave. Oh, I know all employers have to give you maternity leave, but how much fun would it be going to start a new job, only to leave it for 6-8 months and go back part time when you're not really contributing the same way?
Or take this wonderful job and not be able to really dedicate the time to it to get the most out of it?

Most of all, I feel kind of cheated. I grew up part of the generation who was told they could have it all. We COULD have a career. And do you know what? We were raised to believe we could. In part by our parents, in part by our teachers, and also in part by the media. We railed against the "stay at home Mum" stereotype. We almost felt a responsibility to be part of the workforce and contribute to society. I still do.

So when it comes down to possible career advancement, when you're trying to have a baby, there are no nice little guides or maps to help you make decisions. Society is strangely quiet until you make a decision, at which point I feel like I'll be told its wrong.

We were taught as women we could do anything, our gender should not hold us back. We are equal. Only, it turns out, while you might be able to do anything, you sure can't do everything. That's a nice little clause no-one mentioned. I've come to this realisation over the last few years, but only recently has it really hit home. I dedicated the last 4 years to trying to get pregnant. And put everything to do with career advancement on hold. Because having a baby was so much more important. But 4 years later, my arms are still empty, my heart is tired and my head is finding it hard to see a way out of all this. I feel like the proverbial carrot is being dangled in front of my nose, just out of reach. Only there are 2 carrots, and I can only choose one of them, without knowing if the other one will ever be offered again.

If I knew that IVF would work, and that I could make it through the process whole - that would be ok. I could accept missed career opportunities and move on to the next phase of my life and my family. Only no-one can tell us IVF will work for sure.

If I knew that I wouldn't be content or happy in the job, or that it would place a burden on my marriage, or my mental health, then I could pass it up without regrets.

But I have no answers to the questions I so desperately want answered. Only more questions.

And do you know what? I'm ticked off that I did everything RIGHT for heavens sakes. I found a wonderful man, married him, found a stable job and bought a house. We didn't leave it too long to start trying for a family, I was 26 - that should have given us a decent head start. And yet we're still 4 years down the track, and I feel cheated. Its not fair that men don't have to make the career/family decision. They need to balance it, but rarely does anyone expect them to actually make a choice of family over career. I know its probably just because I'm frustrated right now, and its clouding my perception, because there are men out there who do quit high pressure or high workload jobs in favour of their family.

I also don't want my children raised by strangers, or brought up in daycare. Maybe a day or two a week in daycare, but I wouldn't be happy with more than that. Kieran is happy to be a stay at home Dad, but he earns more than me right now, so financially we're better with him working.

To complicate matters further, we spoke to the counsellor at the new clinic, and we'll only have a limited amount of time to actually use the imported sperm we have, due to legislation about to be enacted in that state. The legislation has passed parliament, and is just waiting for the Governer's signature basically, so it might be an issue tomorrow, might be an issue in 6 months. If its an issue tomorrow, then we'll either have to go on the donor wait list, or find our own donor. We may have a KD sourced, but they're expecting their second baby, so any big decisions are not a great idea for them right now. So thats a huge maybe.

So, right now, just very confused. There is more to the story, but details later....