So I'm a slacker...shoot me

I know its been a while since I posted, but its been a big fortnight. I did.....ummmm.......well....nothing, then more nothing, and a bit more nothing.

I did more painting, its coming along. I won't say its good, but its coming along.

I sealed my pots, and tomorrow - I can fill them with water! YAY! I also have a waterlily, so one pot will be waterlily, one will be lotus. Thursday I'm going to buy some FISH! and water plants, and marginal plants.

I made an appointment to see Dr P in Sydney, and the chinese herbalist too. So that is late August.

And I haven't quit my job. Yet. Still tetering on that knife edge if things don't go according to plan, I'm ready to throw in the towel. Had a couple of good responses to emails this week however, so I'm a little bouyed by that.
And I made a DVD slide show of one of our patients. He's been staying with us while his Mum and Dad are overseas - we're pretty sure he has cancer, just don't know where, so we're just managing him. He's doing brilliantly at present, and his owners adore him, so I'm hoping we can get him through until Christmas. Ambitious, but heck, you might as well aim for the stars.

Its pretty darn cold here right now - feels more like brisbane than townsville. I don't exactly have a cold-proof house either, so my feet are freezing. Doesn't help that I can't find my sheepskin slippers. I'm thinking a hot shower to help my aching muscles, a cup of tea and then bed. Bugger the stupid acupuncture assignments, they can just wait.

Around the house this week

I've been doing some painting again this week. Not walls and ceilings, but pictures. One landscape, and another that my counsellor suggested – painting my grief and frustration and longing. Its more about longing now that I’ve started it. It’s a little abstract, and rather clichéd, but I think its actually good for me. Maybe its just being able to channel my energy into those emotions, and put down my longing on canvas; it’s a forum to express it in a way that is hard verbally. How do you keep saying “I want this so badly” with each breath of each day? Once the words are out there and your loved ones acknowledge them, how do you keep expressing how much it hurts? Everyone still knows, but I still have to live it, and feel it.
I guess it really is a form of grief.

My lotus pots are slowly making their way to being useful…..I primed them with the sealer today, didn’t quite dry in time to get a coat of the undiluted sealant on though. That will be tomorrow. I’m hoping I can get both coats done, then I can get some water in them in 10 days! Little lotus is doing well still, but I can’t wait to get a few fish to gobble up the mosquito larvae having a party in the lotus bucket.

And I’ll make some cushions soon too. Have this lovely fabric, will brighten up the lounge a little , without being overly dramatic, so I just have to get some zippers and decide how big I want the cushions. I want nice big, squishy ones, but I’m having trouble finding inserts that are plump enough.

I’ve had a big week really – the dental seminar we organized this week went off with minimal hitches (last minute change of date) but everyone enjoyed it thoroughly. Phew.
Also told my work I was considering resigning. I’m trying to decide if I want to stay in general practice or not, and we’ve had a few issue at work that I’m just getting sick and tired of. We always have staffing issues, but I feel very unsupported by the staff in general, maybe I look too capable, maybe they’re still scared of me, maybe they just don’t give a damn. But I’m tired of trying to help them and getting nothing in return.
I did get a pay rise though.
I don’t want to make any decisions when my head is so messed up and I’m so emotional right now, but I’ve had days when I just felt like walking out. Maybe spending a week in a specialist practice or two is a good idea, might help me determine what I want to do with my career, since the baby-making is not going well.

We're trying to organise a trip to Sydney to consult with Dr P, have the appointment booked for the 21st of August. I also want to see a chinese herbalist – her clinic is supposed to be brilliant in the treatment of infertility disorders. Basically I think my Kidney Yin and Kidney Yang are very messed up. Probably a Spleen Qi deficiency with my digestive history and the whole overwork issue will probably come up too.
If we can get in to see our Brisbane IVF Dr in the same trip, that would be awesome, otherwise we’ll just organise a day trip to Brisvegas.

So, plenty to keep me busy, I have the whole weekend off this week, so might go out and about and enjoy "Saturday stuff". Its been so long since I've had more than the odd saturday off. What DO people do on saturdays?

Its cold.

Do you know how I know? The cat won't leave me alone, having made the decision that all personal space boundaries are no longer valid in the quest for the warmest place. Currently my lap. Typing with a cat on my lap is now commonplace. And I do love the feeling of a cat purring because of me. Might just be because I'm warm, but at least I can do something right for him!

Yesterday was a crap day at work. Not a huge shock, but more crap than usual. The look on my face when I walked in kept most questions at bay. Frustrating that I have to look like a homicidal maniac to get some personal space at work though. Does not help one's frame of mind.

Pulled into the driveway last night after spending half of the drive home crying and wondering how I could get through the weekend on call, and kicked myself for not stopping on the way home to get a bottle of wine. That would have improved my night, I was sure.
However - I walked in, and Kieran had done the dishes, cleaned the floors and done a general tidy up. Wow. And to top it all off, there were flowers and a bottle of wine on the table.
I asked him who had called and told him about my crap day......but it was totally spontaneous. He does get it. Man, I love my husband so much.

So we had a heart to heart last night, talked about my work, and how much it was bothering me, but then, its not the real issue, its just that I want to move on to the next stage of my life and complete our family. His words, not mine. And its true.
The hardest part, is that I have no real control over that. It will either happen or it won't. I know that, and have no choice but to accept it, but it still hurts so much.

And knowing how happy I felt for those few days we thought the FET had actually worked, it makes it hard to be happy now. I know how happy we'll be if we can get pregnant and raise a child, so how do I cope with the uncertainty of that prospect? This isn't the life I want, the one where I'm pregnant and a mother is.

So it's stick with the current job for now, and hope we get lucky I guess. And find a way to get through the days at work.

The family

I thought it was about time to post some pictures. Besides, its more fun than just whining about my crappy week at work.
The picture is of Kieran and Lita. I was trying to upload a whole heap, but that doesn't seem to be working too well.

I'm working on another lotus pic, and a sunset pic too. Very slowly.
Looks like Sydney might be a more difficult option for the IVF, since it seems our private health insurer doesn't have an agreement with their day surgery. Will need to investigate further, see if we can arrange something with them. Not happy about that one Jan. Not happy.
On a brighter note, my Dad passed his first semester at uni with a pass and two distinctions!!! How cool is that!