Moping

I'm having a moment. I worked today as one of the other vets was off sick, so that kept me busy at least. The day was dead quiet, but I found plenty to do as usual. Mostly research, clinical updates etc.

Was doing ok until I saw a friend's baby pics on facebook. I don't know why I do it to myself. I love baby photos, but seeing him and their new baby - I kept thinking how it should be me and Kieran with a baby. I never even took the liberty of assuming children would come easily. I feel cheated in so many ways. Maybe because I never demanded of God, or the Universe, that it should be easy, it was never given to us easily.

Those precious few days of being pregnant, I felt so good. So happy and at peace with the world. I knew it was too early to be confident of anything, but I wanted to enjoy every moment. So I did. Precious few of them, but enjoy I did. I really liked how that felt, and who I was in those moments. Kieran was laughing at my "trippy" state, blaming it on hormones etc. I think I was just happy. Its been a long time since I was happy like that. Carefree without this sinking lead weight in my chest. This constant question, whispered by my heart every day "Will I ever be a Mother?"
I mourn losing the chance at a pregnancy, and who I was for those few days. I can't mourn the loss of a baby that never was. I can't call it a miscarriage, because both those things imply something greater than this pregnancy was ever going to be, and it hurts too much to think that for some reason my body rejected something so precious. How can those perfect little embryo's be to blame?? It must be me.

Oh I know its not my fault really, but fearing something, and knowing it isn't so intellectually are different. And unless someone can PROVE to me that those embryos were not right, how can I truly leave those fears? So they stay, and I pretend to ignore them. They get tucked away in a box with the whispers, and the tears, and the bandaids that hold my heart together until we have our baby in our arms and the wounds begin to heal.

And my lotus continues to grow.

Hope

The lotus seed I'd all but given up on? Well today it sprouted a shoot! I had to check it wasn't the second seed being super wonderful, but no, the first one was just a bit of a slow starter.
Now I'll have to get my pot organised.
Think I'll start with a bucket first, but will need to organise the pot quick smart, it would be nice to have it sealed and ready to go.

My little nugget of hope.

I'm thinking about getting my act into gear and doing some painting again. I have a lotus picture I want to experiment with, and a few ideas for a big canvas that could either be really lame, or rather funky.

Yesterday was not a great day. Not totally horrid, just not a good one. I don't think it helped that on one of the IVF chat groups, three girls got good, strong beta hCG readings.
Its great for them, really, but it just hits home how much I wanted it too, and raises all those "why not me" questions.
I'm doing ok. Its all just a normal reaction to wanting something so badly, having it within your grasp for a few days, then having it slide away again. Something worked though, right??

This is not an easy journey some days.

Today has been better, more tidying, the dining room is under control now, we almost have the spare rooms back, but Kieran's art is still all over the place. Most of it is either too big or too loud to hang here at home. We have some other art, mostly watercolours, and it would be nice to get them framed properly and hung. I'm hoping I can get Dad to help me make some picture frames for them. Can't be that hard, right? He's got all the tools - a router, jigsaw, mitre and drop saw.

Maybe in the next few weeks. I have some time off over the next few weeks while we have a locum here, as long as we do actually get one confirmed. So I should be able to slip away to Mackay for a few days with no problems.

The lotus hasn't sprouted yet, so I started another seed off. This second one looks more promising than the first, so I'll get my lotus plant yet!

The seed

I decided to stop putting it off and just do it. I'm trying to germinate a lotus seed.

1. Scratch off an area of the hard, outer seed coat to expose the seed inside so water can penetrate
2. Keep scratching
3. Realise why lotus seeds survive unscathed for over 2000 years. I've scratched the tops of my fingers, and the seed coat looks unblemished.
4. Finally get through to the seed
5. Place in jar of warm water
6. Change water daily, keeping jar in a warm, sunny spot.
7. Have the two coldest days of the year so far immediately after. Tropical Queensland only ever gets this cold for about 2 weeks. So of course its the day after I start trying to germinate the lotus that this winter snap begins.
8. Persevere anyway.

Will keep you updated on the progress of the lotus seed. I'm hoping as a symbol of longevity and fertility, and beauty from adversity, its going to bring some seriously good cosmic karma my way.

On a slightly more positive garden note, the fig tree my dog dug up (TWICE) has actually sprouted a new bud after some serious trauma. Roots started last week after 3 weeks in a bucket of seaweed solution and my first attempt at grafting. Lita managed to amputate the growing shoot, so I salvaged it and tried grafting a bud back onto the rootstock, holding out little hope for the previous graft union. The old graft seems to have survived though, not sure about my attempt - maybe another week or two, doesn't look too healthy, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope.

Going to take a trip to my health insurance fund, try and get some money back on my FET medication scripts. Progesterone ain't cheap. And now I'm stocked up again.

Moving onward and upward

Today is a new day. I'm doing ok with everything really, we had 3 wonderful day of being pregnant, and I can't wait to do it again.

We're looking at second and third opinions, mostly to just make sure we're not missing anything and are with the best team we can be. Its not just about the doctor, the lab plays a big part. So I'm trying to suss out who the best people in Australia are. Bedside manner is nice, but results are so much more important now. Sure we have time, but how long do you keep saying that, and who's to say things won't change next year, or the year after?

Aiming for a September IVF cycle, probably still in Brisbane with Dr S, but will keep and open mind at this stage.
We came so close last time, yet about 8 months too short. Maybe it will kickstart something and my body will realise there is work to be done.

Still having moments when I'm just heartbroken, but surprisingly haven't reached the "hate the whole world" stage yet. Maybe I'll just release the hidden anger in short, random bursts. That could be interesting. But then, maybe not. Really just can't deal with pregnant women, and that's no easier right now. I suspect there will always be an element of resentment for those who haven't struggled so hard with infertility. Heck, I find myslef resenting first time IVF successfuls! How much sense does that make?? If you can get pg on your first IVF, it doesn't count as truly struggling. I guess its all just a matter of perspective.

I have some wonderful role models in the online community however - beautiful strong women, who struggle through some of the most tragic circumstances, and are still able to get up the next day to see the sun. Some have gone through very dark times, yet continue to follow their heart in this journey, others have had the strength to move on an find peace again in their lives. I think both paths require a special kind of strength.

All bets are off

Beta is in and its not good. Only 13, it needed to double. I was trying so hard to stay hopeful, but things weren't the same yesterday and today much less so.

This totally sucks. I'm so tired. Physically and emotionally. It can't take us another 4 years to get a positive pregnancy test. It just can't.
IVF is the worst form of gambling - maybe it will work next time. There are no definites, you just make the best decision you can with the information you have. Which sucks.

Low Beta.....waiting

Tuesday's beta was only 46. Still a positive but hardly promising. Repeat in 48h was the instruction.

So I've had blood drawn again today, I've been trawling the literature because somehow that is less stressful than just stewing on it. There is still hope, and for the next few hours I'm pregnant. But my deepest, darkest fears are there under the surface. If its taken 4 years, 5 fresh IVF cycles, 3 frozen cycles where embryo's didn't even thaw, and one frozen transfer of two nice blastocysts to just get a chemical pregnancy, what will it take to get us through a full pregnancy to have a child?

I'm staying positive right now, but the reality is still very precarious. I'm praying so hard this will all turn out ok. That our beta numbers will double. Going for at least 92. I want this so badly. I want the naivity to assume a positive HPT will make us parents in 36 weeks. I want to be a mother. I want to make Kieran a Daddy.

I know I'm powerless to change the outcome, but I wish I could do something. This one is supposed to be it - everything went right. I mean, the embryo's actually survive the thaw and kept growing for heavens sake! How good is that? They're tough little buggers, hence the nicknames "chuck" and "norris". I feel like this has been our best chance yet.

I can be philosophical and stay positive about the whole experience - we were pregnant for a few days at least. And I'm grateful for that experience, it sure is a step forward from absolutely nothing. At least these embryo's turned up and showed a bit of effort!

I won't think about the alternative until I have to. Easier said than done of course. I won't even think about coping strategies, because this beta will be superb. Chuck and Norris will have had a little more time to become accustomed to their new home, and will settle in for the long ride.