I'm having a moment. I worked today as one of the other vets was off sick, so that kept me busy at least. The day was dead quiet, but I found plenty to do as usual. Mostly research, clinical updates etc.
Was doing ok until I saw a friend's baby pics on facebook. I don't know why I do it to myself. I love baby photos, but seeing him and their new baby - I kept thinking how it should be me and Kieran with a baby. I never even took the liberty of assuming children would come easily. I feel cheated in so many ways. Maybe because I never demanded of God, or the Universe, that it should be easy, it was never given to us easily.
Those precious few days of being pregnant, I felt so good. So happy and at peace with the world. I knew it was too early to be confident of anything, but I wanted to enjoy every moment. So I did. Precious few of them, but enjoy I did. I really liked how that felt, and who I was in those moments. Kieran was laughing at my "trippy" state, blaming it on hormones etc. I think I was just happy. Its been a long time since I was happy like that. Carefree without this sinking lead weight in my chest. This constant question, whispered by my heart every day "Will I ever be a Mother?"
I mourn losing the chance at a pregnancy, and who I was for those few days. I can't mourn the loss of a baby that never was. I can't call it a miscarriage, because both those things imply something greater than this pregnancy was ever going to be, and it hurts too much to think that for some reason my body rejected something so precious. How can those perfect little embryo's be to blame?? It must be me.
Oh I know its not my fault really, but fearing something, and knowing it isn't so intellectually are different. And unless someone can PROVE to me that those embryos were not right, how can I truly leave those fears? So they stay, and I pretend to ignore them. They get tucked away in a box with the whispers, and the tears, and the bandaids that hold my heart together until we have our baby in our arms and the wounds begin to heal.
And my lotus continues to grow.
About Me
- Tricia
- Married my best friend in 2001, which was the smartest thing I ever did. I work as a veterinarian, while my husband is an intensive care nurse. We've been dealing with infertility for over 3 years, TTC our first child just over 4 years. We've been faced with some challenges, too many decisions and a measure of heartbreak and frustration. The story so far: IVF 1-5 all BFN FET 1-3 embryo's failed to survive the thaw FET 4 we transferred two lovely blastocysts, and had a chemical pregnancy. Onward and....well, onward. We've switched clinics, and are in the process of moving our donor sperm to the new clinic. Who'd have thought it would be such a nightmare??
Nov 2008, IVF 6
October:
15- Start Lucrin 10IU
27- Bloods to check supressed: all ok
29- Start 150 IU FSH
31- E2 173, LH and P4 good - continue 150 FSH
November:
3- Bloods and scan locally
4- Flying to Sydney - Melbourne Cup day
5- Bloods and scan at City clinic
10- Egg retrieval: 27 retrieved, 19 mature, 10 fertilised
K had surgical sperm retrieval same day, and yes it was as nasty as it sounds
15- Transferred AA blastocyst, froze AA and AB blasts
26- bHCG due, cheated and doing it early
15- Start Lucrin 10IU
27- Bloods to check supressed: all ok
29- Start 150 IU FSH
31- E2 173, LH and P4 good - continue 150 FSH
November:
3- Bloods and scan locally
4- Flying to Sydney - Melbourne Cup day
5- Bloods and scan at City clinic
10- Egg retrieval: 27 retrieved, 19 mature, 10 fertilised
K had surgical sperm retrieval same day, and yes it was as nasty as it sounds
15- Transferred AA blastocyst, froze AA and AB blasts
26- bHCG due, cheated and doing it early
1 comment:
Oh sweetie. I was about to email you today and see how you were shaping up.
You are right. It SHOULD be you and Kieran with a babe in arms. And why does the joy have to be so shortlived? So much unfairness, so few answers.
Thanks for dropping by and commenting on my MTHFR. (Great acronym, I agree!). I am going to get a bit more really detailed stage 5 immunological disorder testing done when I badger my RI to death at IVF Australia later this year. I can't believe there isn't something seriously wrong with me. And I want to know what the hell it is!!!
Don't suppose I'd have much success with a lotus flower at my end of the country, would I? :-)
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