Post Christmas Recovery

So I overdid it leading up to Christmas. A couple of late-ish nights, a cold, then a tummy bug, and working every day in the 7 days before ..... I'm still recovering. Feeling a truckload better, thank heavens, but had to endure a SEVERE talking to by K, who stressed the importance of looking after myself, and how it was no longer just my body to abuse the way I wanted etc etc.
Ouch.

I'm still in trouble for not having spoken to my boss regarding the roster, but will do that chore this week. I've been brainstorming a few ideas to help take the load off a little. I don't even really know what I need, since I cope with a normal day fine, I guess I just don't have the luxury of being able to have late nights anymore. They really take their toll.

But I'm cutting back on the length of my days to keep K happy. Things might change when we get to the 2nd trimester, but in the meantime, especially until we get to talk to an OB, I guess its safer to be extra-cautious rather than risk anything. It is rather reassuring to have access to the work ultrasound all the time - I checked on the little prawn Christmas Eve, and its certainly getting bigger, and looking like a baby, rather than an alien creature. You could see the head, and the body all curled up, little heartbeat ticking away steadily. It helps me breathe a little easier.

Christmas was lovely and quiet. I felt pretty good Christmas morning, but awful for the rest of the day. We had roast lamb for dinner, with pavlova for dessert.....yummmm. If only I could have enjoyed it. Mum and Dad came up for 4 days, mostly ended up looking after me!

Kieran got his precious Rock Band instruments and game from Santa - I figure it will be the last year he really does get spoilt like this, so what the heck. He bought me some lovely marcasite jewellery. I used to have this beautiful marcasite flower brooch I loved, but lost it in NZ when we went for a friend's wedding. I never realised until a couple of months later :(
I also got Nigella's Christmas recipe's book - lots of new ones in there luckily! I'm still not sure if it was for me or so he could enjoy the benefits!

Merry Christmas!

Just a quick one, mostly so I can wish everyone a Merry Christmas before the day!!

I hope you all have a wonderful day, and that the new year ahead is filled with joy and peace.

I suppose some of you are also wanting a pregnancy update. Are you proud of me? I used the "p" word! We're 8 weeks today, and I checked on the little prawn yesterday at work with our ultrasound....still ticking away there, the heartbeat was nice and strong. Our first ultrasound was a whole 10 days ago now, and everything was right on track.

Right now I'm still recovering from one of those charming summer colds, and long days at work. Thank heavens its just "normal" hours and no really awful days. I need to talk to my boss about spreading my hours out and working fewer hours each day, just more days each week. 10 hours is my limit, so if it happens to be a bad day, I'm not going to cope well.

I digress.

I'll be thinking of you all over the holidays, please stay safe, drive safe if you must drive, and enjoy as much festive spirit as you're able!

May 2009 be a blessed one!

Is it normal

Is it normal to feel guilty about my IF friends I'm "leaving behind" if this is a real and true pregnancy?
I feel so bad for them, remembering how I would be happy for them, but at the same time so destroyed for myself. There were only ever a handful I could feel completely and unreservedly happy for, with no "why not ME?" questions.

Is it normal to have had the initial rush of happiness and now feel surrounded by huge maybe's? Every time I find myself getting excited, or making mental plans, the "caution" sign flashes in my mind, reminding me nothing is concrete.

I feel like I'm in limbo, which is still infinitely better than BFN-despair. I don't feel confident enough to start getting attached to this pregnancy and (dare I say it) baby. If I'm not gagging and feeling ill constantly, I'm wondering if thats a bad sign, and maybe things aren't going well. I've never loved feeling ill so much.

And at the same time I'm trying not to over-think this.

I'm still trying to hold off telling anyone at work, but they're getting cluey. I think I might need to say something next week. Should I let them keep guessing and only tell them after the scan? I hate feeling like I'm deliberately keeping things from them, when they would be just so happy, but at the same time, I'm nervous about having to deal with their reactions if things don't go well.

So much for not overthinking things.

So far, so good

Beta was in 2 days ago - 561 at 15dpo! Progesterone was 190 too! Even better - no more pessaries.

So I do have morning sickness, sore breasts, and even my masseuse noticed they are.....ummm bigger. There goes my dignity. Lucky I had none left anyway. And I'm used to it, since I hear childbirth involves very little dignity whatsoever.

Our first scan is on the 11th of Dec. 2 weeks today. Feeling pretty good, and nothing to do from here but rest, take it easy and cross fingers. I'm over the moon, but holding it in check, certainly no "unreserved excitement" like there was with the chemical pregnancy - cautiously optimistic best describes the mood at home. Neither of us are discussing the ugly what ifs, but also not making definitive plans, just kind of hopeful ones. Like - I might miss my 10 year university reunion with all my vet buddies if we get that far. I'd be due 3 weeks after the reunion, so it could be tricky getting to the venue, which is either a 16 hour drive, or 2 hour plane flight.

I've told my bosses, and they're unreservedly happy for us, so I figure everyone else will probably know very shortly. And if they're not told, I think they'll work it out in the next week when I gag every time a smoker walks in or a dog has diarrhoea. I need to learn to school my expressions better.

K has his "quit smoking" date for next saturday, he's been on champix, so we're hoping that will give him the edge, but if becoming a daddy doesn't provide enough motivation - I've no idea what will.

Now I'm off to bed - these hormones are messing with my head, and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Ahhhhh, I caved. So shoot me. At least I have justification for getting beta out of the way tomorrow instead of when I'm at work Wednesday. Its not official until I see those rising beta's, however this confirms the symptoms of the last week. I'm going to be so nervous until there is a baby in my arms though. I'm scared to jinx this.....

Home at last

Well we arrived home from Sydney 6 days ago, I've been putting off the next post because it just seemed too daunting.

As you see, Sir Salvador Sturgeonduck had a great time!

My E2 levels rose VERY nicely - 173, 1547, 4000, 11000! At our last scan, they thought we'd still need to stim a few days, but once they got the oestradiol numbers back - Hell no, you're going to retrieval on monday and we're dropping your dose of meds right down. By the way, we're worried about OHSS, so drink 3 litres of water each day too. Basically my FSH dose got progressively lower for the final 5 days of stims, and considering it was only 10 days of stimming in total - that's pretty darned good for me!

We also had an appointment with the specialist to discuss K's pathology resuts, and he thought it was worth doing a testicular biopsy to try and find us some sperm. Wow. Obviously no guarantees on embryo quality, but considering this was potentially one of our last cycles, we figured we'd pull out all the stops. The donor sperm was there as backup in case they couldn't get sperm on the day.

We retrieved 27 eggs.

Of those, 19 were mature and suitable for ICSI, and they found 19 sperm suitable to fertilise!

10 fertilised normally, and on day 5, we had two perfect AA blasts, and one AB (the inner cell mass that becomes the baby was graded A, the trophoderm that becomes the placenta was graded B). We transferred one AA, and froze the other two.

Kieran was feeling a little better by day5 - still pretty sore, but rather proud of himself and his embies! I found ER really easy, despite having produced a veritable truckload of eggs, recovered well, no signs of OHSS.

Beta is now only 2 days away, and its 14dpo. So I'm debating testing at home early - I have symptoms just like last time, but that ended as a chemical, so I'm scared to see two lines and have that dashed in 48h. At the same time, I'll be at work all day Wednesday, so its going to be torture! If I get lines, I can justify doing the test tomorrow!

All in all, Sydney was a fruitful experience - we would never have gotten results like this with our old clinic, and never with Kieran's sperm. It was a big decision to go ahead with that rather than the donor. There were all the questions on whether a baby might have the same kind of problems as Kieran has had, and even though medicine has advanced considerably, its still a lot to go through, when it might not be necessary. But we felt we needed to tick all the boxes - the ability to give a child the certainty of where they came from was something we weighed against the possible health risks. It made for an interesting few days.

And we managed some sight seeing in Sydney. Sir Salvador had great fun visiting the Chinese Gardens at Darling Harbour, Centrepoint, the french patisserie around the corner from the hotel we stayed at, Hyde park, St Mary's. He's clocking up some frequent flyer points!

Vampires for Halloween

I had another blood draw today - E2 was 173, which is pretty good for d3 of stims. I've had cycles where it was lower on d5. My progesterone and LH are where they should be also, so looks like the low dose lucrin is doing the trick so far. At least I'm not oversuppressed.

So the plan:
Mon 3/11 - bloods and scan locally
Tue 4/11 - fly to Sydney, staying with a friend for a week, then in the city.
Wed 5/11 - bloods and scan in the city
Thurs 6/11 - appt with Dr P to discuss the TESE results and what they mean.

Then I'm just doing what I'm told. I imagine ER will be somewhere around the 11th or 12th, but its anyone's guess right now.
We'll probably just be doing donor this cycle, and make any other decisions on Kieran's "lads" later on. My research suggests some clinics don't like to do a TESE within 6 months of a previous TESE or previous perineal surgery. Which would count K out on both. I really don't know what this clinic's preference would be, but I'll be guided by what they say. I feel much more confident with them.

We had our sofa-bed ottoman delivered 2 days ago as well, so the spare room is much less cluttered, and we now have a great excuse to try and get rid of a whole heap of other stuff! I'd really like to move all the painting gear in here as well, but I don't know how that will work. We may just put the ottoman into the lounge room, but that won't happen before we get a new entertainment unit (downsizing) and sell the old one!

Meanwhile, I'm still working on my application, its a struggle getting selection criteria organised when you've never done it before. I do like a challenge.......(rolls eyes)