Today is a new day. I'm doing ok with everything really, we had 3 wonderful day of being pregnant, and I can't wait to do it again.
We're looking at second and third opinions, mostly to just make sure we're not missing anything and are with the best team we can be. Its not just about the doctor, the lab plays a big part. So I'm trying to suss out who the best people in Australia are. Bedside manner is nice, but results are so much more important now. Sure we have time, but how long do you keep saying that, and who's to say things won't change next year, or the year after?
Aiming for a September IVF cycle, probably still in Brisbane with Dr S, but will keep and open mind at this stage.
We came so close last time, yet about 8 months too short. Maybe it will kickstart something and my body will realise there is work to be done.
Still having moments when I'm just heartbroken, but surprisingly haven't reached the "hate the whole world" stage yet. Maybe I'll just release the hidden anger in short, random bursts. That could be interesting. But then, maybe not. Really just can't deal with pregnant women, and that's no easier right now. I suspect there will always be an element of resentment for those who haven't struggled so hard with infertility. Heck, I find myslef resenting first time IVF successfuls! How much sense does that make?? If you can get pg on your first IVF, it doesn't count as truly struggling. I guess its all just a matter of perspective.
I have some wonderful role models in the online community however - beautiful strong women, who struggle through some of the most tragic circumstances, and are still able to get up the next day to see the sun. Some have gone through very dark times, yet continue to follow their heart in this journey, others have had the strength to move on an find peace again in their lives. I think both paths require a special kind of strength.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
All bets are off
Beta is in and its not good. Only 13, it needed to double. I was trying so hard to stay hopeful, but things weren't the same yesterday and today much less so.
This totally sucks. I'm so tired. Physically and emotionally. It can't take us another 4 years to get a positive pregnancy test. It just can't.
IVF is the worst form of gambling - maybe it will work next time. There are no definites, you just make the best decision you can with the information you have. Which sucks.
This totally sucks. I'm so tired. Physically and emotionally. It can't take us another 4 years to get a positive pregnancy test. It just can't.
IVF is the worst form of gambling - maybe it will work next time. There are no definites, you just make the best decision you can with the information you have. Which sucks.
Low Beta.....waiting
Tuesday's beta was only 46. Still a positive but hardly promising. Repeat in 48h was the instruction.
So I've had blood drawn again today, I've been trawling the literature because somehow that is less stressful than just stewing on it. There is still hope, and for the next few hours I'm pregnant. But my deepest, darkest fears are there under the surface. If its taken 4 years, 5 fresh IVF cycles, 3 frozen cycles where embryo's didn't even thaw, and one frozen transfer of two nice blastocysts to just get a chemical pregnancy, what will it take to get us through a full pregnancy to have a child?
I'm staying positive right now, but the reality is still very precarious. I'm praying so hard this will all turn out ok. That our beta numbers will double. Going for at least 92. I want this so badly. I want the naivity to assume a positive HPT will make us parents in 36 weeks. I want to be a mother. I want to make Kieran a Daddy.
I know I'm powerless to change the outcome, but I wish I could do something. This one is supposed to be it - everything went right. I mean, the embryo's actually survive the thaw and kept growing for heavens sake! How good is that? They're tough little buggers, hence the nicknames "chuck" and "norris". I feel like this has been our best chance yet.
I can be philosophical and stay positive about the whole experience - we were pregnant for a few days at least. And I'm grateful for that experience, it sure is a step forward from absolutely nothing. At least these embryo's turned up and showed a bit of effort!
I won't think about the alternative until I have to. Easier said than done of course. I won't even think about coping strategies, because this beta will be superb. Chuck and Norris will have had a little more time to become accustomed to their new home, and will settle in for the long ride.
So I've had blood drawn again today, I've been trawling the literature because somehow that is less stressful than just stewing on it. There is still hope, and for the next few hours I'm pregnant. But my deepest, darkest fears are there under the surface. If its taken 4 years, 5 fresh IVF cycles, 3 frozen cycles where embryo's didn't even thaw, and one frozen transfer of two nice blastocysts to just get a chemical pregnancy, what will it take to get us through a full pregnancy to have a child?
I'm staying positive right now, but the reality is still very precarious. I'm praying so hard this will all turn out ok. That our beta numbers will double. Going for at least 92. I want this so badly. I want the naivity to assume a positive HPT will make us parents in 36 weeks. I want to be a mother. I want to make Kieran a Daddy.
I know I'm powerless to change the outcome, but I wish I could do something. This one is supposed to be it - everything went right. I mean, the embryo's actually survive the thaw and kept growing for heavens sake! How good is that? They're tough little buggers, hence the nicknames "chuck" and "norris". I feel like this has been our best chance yet.
I can be philosophical and stay positive about the whole experience - we were pregnant for a few days at least. And I'm grateful for that experience, it sure is a step forward from absolutely nothing. At least these embryo's turned up and showed a bit of effort!
I won't think about the alternative until I have to. Easier said than done of course. I won't even think about coping strategies, because this beta will be superb. Chuck and Norris will have had a little more time to become accustomed to their new home, and will settle in for the long ride.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
+++++
BFP!!
Need I say more? It was a weak line last night when I finally built up the courage, took a couple of minutes to show, and today it was a little darker, didn't have to squint so much to see it.
****Happy-dance**** Happy-dance****
Wow. We're having a baby!
I know its still early days, there are still so many things that can go wrong, so many milestones, but I just want my moment, and I want this to be a positive experience. I'm just going to enjoy it.
So the hunger/nausea really is morning sickness, only I'm fine in the morning. Kieran is loving this, he's been teasing me for days about being pregnant, going from zero to hungry in 3 seconds. He did a 2am Maccas run after I had a call out the other night and asked me if I wanted anything. The mere thought of greasy McDonalds was enough to turn my stomach, until he put the bag in front of me in the car and I suddenly said "I'm hungry".
Wow. This is all so surreal.
Chuck and Norris rule!!
Next hurdle - beta tomorrow
Need I say more? It was a weak line last night when I finally built up the courage, took a couple of minutes to show, and today it was a little darker, didn't have to squint so much to see it.
****Happy-dance**** Happy-dance****
Wow. We're having a baby!
I know its still early days, there are still so many things that can go wrong, so many milestones, but I just want my moment, and I want this to be a positive experience. I'm just going to enjoy it.
So the hunger/nausea really is morning sickness, only I'm fine in the morning. Kieran is loving this, he's been teasing me for days about being pregnant, going from zero to hungry in 3 seconds. He did a 2am Maccas run after I had a call out the other night and asked me if I wanted anything. The mere thought of greasy McDonalds was enough to turn my stomach, until he put the bag in front of me in the car and I suddenly said "I'm hungry".
Wow. This is all so surreal.
Chuck and Norris rule!!
Next hurdle - beta tomorrow
Saturday, June 7, 2008
14dpo, HPT at the ready
Well, the embies would be 14d old now. And I can make up all sorts of early pg symptoms. Sore breasts, heaviness in my uterus, even nausea (or is it hunger, I'm not sure). Problem is these could just be the progesterone/nerves combination.
I caved and bought some HPT's today. I haven't used them yet, because at 14d, they're going to be pretty accurate. Sure its possible they might not be, but who am I trying to kid, it will probably be right.
I really feel like this is a good one, and we have a real chance, but I'm so scared I'm wrong.
So I'm trying to work up to the HPT.
Maybe I'll go do some gardening.
I caved and bought some HPT's today. I haven't used them yet, because at 14d, they're going to be pretty accurate. Sure its possible they might not be, but who am I trying to kid, it will probably be right.
I really feel like this is a good one, and we have a real chance, but I'm so scared I'm wrong.
So I'm trying to work up to the HPT.
Maybe I'll go do some gardening.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Killing time
How I survived 4dp5dt:
- painted the door trim in the lounge
- folded the washing
- ironing
- filled script for more provera and progynova
- massage this morning
- mid afternoon nap
- played with dogs, took very amusing video of Lita attacking the water from the hose
- planted more beans in the garden to replace the plants Dobby ate.
I have no idea how I'll get through the next 9 or so days until beta. How many times a day can one really check the internet for pregnancy symptoms. Or what day to expect double lines on an HPT after a blastocyst transfer? I KNOW my sore nipples are just because of the heroic progesterone doses, but maybe, just maybe I’ll find that one little clue that tells me whether this one will work.
This is so mentally taxing. Maybe I can spend the next 9 days creating new lists of things to do during the 2ww. There are a few out there already, but I really don’t know how healthy some of them are. I mean, I could plan what school the twins will go to, but then, will I be devastated at the 7 week scan when its only one??
Note: still in positive thinking mode right now. Did you notice that?? Still assuming there will be a BFP. I figure there’s probably 3 days left of that, 12dpo is usually when I hit the wall.
I remain positive the whole time, am really strong and don’t POAS before beta, and then get a ne…….nnnn…..I can’t even bring myself to say the word. If I get one of those, will it just hurt even more, or will it hurt that much anyway?
How do you “not think about it”. How is that even possible? Stay tuned for the ride people, it could get ugly.
At least I’m working tomorrow, that will kill time quite easily. Off to finish my list of things to do for the next 9 days.
Ciao.
- painted the door trim in the lounge
- folded the washing
- ironing
- filled script for more provera and progynova
- massage this morning
- mid afternoon nap
- played with dogs, took very amusing video of Lita attacking the water from the hose
- planted more beans in the garden to replace the plants Dobby ate.
I have no idea how I'll get through the next 9 or so days until beta. How many times a day can one really check the internet for pregnancy symptoms. Or what day to expect double lines on an HPT after a blastocyst transfer? I KNOW my sore nipples are just because of the heroic progesterone doses, but maybe, just maybe I’ll find that one little clue that tells me whether this one will work.
This is so mentally taxing. Maybe I can spend the next 9 days creating new lists of things to do during the 2ww. There are a few out there already, but I really don’t know how healthy some of them are. I mean, I could plan what school the twins will go to, but then, will I be devastated at the 7 week scan when its only one??
Note: still in positive thinking mode right now. Did you notice that?? Still assuming there will be a BFP. I figure there’s probably 3 days left of that, 12dpo is usually when I hit the wall.
I remain positive the whole time, am really strong and don’t POAS before beta, and then get a ne…….nnnn…..I can’t even bring myself to say the word. If I get one of those, will it just hurt even more, or will it hurt that much anyway?
How do you “not think about it”. How is that even possible? Stay tuned for the ride people, it could get ugly.
At least I’m working tomorrow, that will kill time quite easily. Off to finish my list of things to do for the next 9 days.
Ciao.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
"Chuck" and "Norris" safe and sound
Back home again from Brisbane and I am on cloud 9. Or maybe even 10. I had my scan 6 days ago, all was good to go, so we thawed 2 embies. They came through the thaw at 2 and 3 cells, and each gained an extra 1 and 2 cells respectively overnight! Wow. I was just stoked with that. We grew them on to day 5 as planned, got an update the next day to find the embryo that thawed at 2 cells had gone on to 5 cells, and the other one was chugging away and had become a morula.
I thought I was quite restrained really. I waited until we arrived in Brisbane to call for that update, not at 9am like I wanted to. So after getting the good news that both embryos were still going, and they weren't worried about the one lagging behind at all, we joked about how we could even be lucky enough to get 2 blastocysts, and how cool that would be.
Had our next update immediatly before transfer. It really would be better if the scientist could come and sit with you to give you the embryo report, before they load them into the catheter for transfer. The way it really works, giving you the update while your legs are in stirrups and your dignity back with your underwear in the change room is hardly the best for concentration.
So the next update was that we had two early blastocysts!
Maybe my eggs aren't that shoddy. Maybe they just needed a change of scenery. Maybe they just don't like being frozen at day4. Maybe, just maybe, we have a baby (or two!!) on board. Shhh.....don't say it too loud, I don't want to jinx it.
Kieran has already started thinking baby names. For twins. He has tendered a request for "Chuck" and "Norris", which was flatly denied. It is better than Vader (yes, as in Darth), Chickenhead, Doctor Lecter or the various other names he thinks up to amuse himself. Of course, his amusement comes exclusively from my reaction to these names.
So in my haste to include him, I agreed to call the embryo's Chuck and Norris. It has nothing to do with me being at all amused by the names. Really.
And nothing at all to do with the possibility of having little people beating me up from the inside in the next 8 months.
I feel so nervous and hopeful and positive all at the same time. It kind of makes me realise how hard all of this has been, because I don't remember feeling this good in a very very long time. I'm going to surround myself with positive thoughts, and happy rainbow kitten pictures for the next 11 days.
The two week wait madness begins. I figure I can hold off the crazies another 4 or 5 days, but after that its going to be tough. It will be even harder to keep away from HPT's because I feel so darned good about this one!
And I found out I passed my IVAS acupuncture exam too! YAY!! Now I just have those darned case reports to write up.
I thought I was quite restrained really. I waited until we arrived in Brisbane to call for that update, not at 9am like I wanted to. So after getting the good news that both embryos were still going, and they weren't worried about the one lagging behind at all, we joked about how we could even be lucky enough to get 2 blastocysts, and how cool that would be.
Had our next update immediatly before transfer. It really would be better if the scientist could come and sit with you to give you the embryo report, before they load them into the catheter for transfer. The way it really works, giving you the update while your legs are in stirrups and your dignity back with your underwear in the change room is hardly the best for concentration.
So the next update was that we had two early blastocysts!
Maybe my eggs aren't that shoddy. Maybe they just needed a change of scenery. Maybe they just don't like being frozen at day4. Maybe, just maybe, we have a baby (or two!!) on board. Shhh.....don't say it too loud, I don't want to jinx it.
Kieran has already started thinking baby names. For twins. He has tendered a request for "Chuck" and "Norris", which was flatly denied. It is better than Vader (yes, as in Darth), Chickenhead, Doctor Lecter or the various other names he thinks up to amuse himself. Of course, his amusement comes exclusively from my reaction to these names.
So in my haste to include him, I agreed to call the embryo's Chuck and Norris. It has nothing to do with me being at all amused by the names. Really.
And nothing at all to do with the possibility of having little people beating me up from the inside in the next 8 months.
I feel so nervous and hopeful and positive all at the same time. It kind of makes me realise how hard all of this has been, because I don't remember feeling this good in a very very long time. I'm going to surround myself with positive thoughts, and happy rainbow kitten pictures for the next 11 days.
The two week wait madness begins. I figure I can hold off the crazies another 4 or 5 days, but after that its going to be tough. It will be even harder to keep away from HPT's because I feel so darned good about this one!
And I found out I passed my IVAS acupuncture exam too! YAY!! Now I just have those darned case reports to write up.
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